Confessions of a Teenage Somebody

Frustrated and Overwhelmed With Life

2011-10-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: The amount of sarcasm and cynicism in this post is alarming. Reader discretion is advised.

My life has been turned topsy turvy since my last entry. More so then originally before. Crazy isn't it? Tons of things are factors into this bout of chaos I'm experiencing lately. Such of them being: moving from a house to an apartment, getting my license, not having a car...still, falling in and out of all kinds of love, meeting people that have changed my life, LEAKYCON 2011, taking a massive break from the HPA, plans to get initiated next summer, etc. So much, and so little time to type it all out. Let's begin then.

My confession today is that I'm so immensely frustrated and overwhelmed with my life right now. I really don't know how to handle a number of things, let alone the things I need to accomplish before this year's end. There are times that I'm so lost, unable to even think in a productive way. And then there are other times, where I know exactly what I'm doing, without a doubt in my mind. Confusing, isn't it?

I feel so very conflicted. Not unusual for me, right? But it's getting worse, I can feel it. Being a Pisces doesn't help the situation either. Being that my symbol is two fish swimming to two completely different directions, ergo I'm very indecisive. Which I have to say, is very true. I'm becoming conflicted on just about everything lately, and that truly concerns me. The only thing I'm positive of these days is my dedication to Wicca and the feeling of magick growing inside me. But that bit is for a later paragraph, if not a completely different blog post. Right, back on track, I feel as though my mind is being split in half with most things. As in, half of me is in favor of something, and then the other half of me is against it. How the hell can anyone live like that? And how can anyone find a "happy medium" with such indecision in themselves?

Every time I want to sit down and blog, I just can't seem to bring myself to finishing a single post. Is writer's block controlling me once more? It's odd though, because I keep this little black journal with me everywhere I go- and I write in constantly. Sure, I love the feel of pen and paper much more than typing. But sometimes, my poor left hand really needs a break from my gripping the pen to tightly, when I'm writing obviously. I feel so awkward typing right now. I'm probably making no sense at all. I wouldn't be very surprised. I'm not used to typing anymore, I'm hardly ever on my laptop. Two big reasons for that is: (a) my battery is deciding to die on me and it only works when plugged into a power source, and (b) my college's tech support seems to have a vendetta against me, and won't allow my laptop internet services. Overall, this doesn't make for a very happy Angelia.

In other news, I finallyfinallyfinally got my license! WOOOOOOOOO! Which is great isn't it? Yeah, but I don't have a car and can't really afford the insurance for one at the moment. So really, it was absolutely lovely that I finally got my license, but what was the point? A little bit of plastic saying that by decree of the United States government, I'm a-okay to drive. Yeah. Lovely. Which the said bit of plastic, still has yet to arrive in my new mailbox. I passed on the 9th of September...I'm really wondering if they sent it to a different address (I changed right after I passed!). So being that I don't have money for a car or insurance, I have to take two buses to my colleges. I try to bum rides off of people, honestly, because taking two buses somedays are vastly annoying. I try to shrug it off as it "gives me time to think" but really, I hate it. Mostly because it's two buses. If it was one that goes straight to the college, I'd kick back and chill for an hour or so. But it's not. Again, lovely.

I think I'll definitely do a separate post about LeakyCon 2011. There was just waywayway too much awesome for me to even start talking about!

Since my last post, I've fallen in and out of all kinds of love. I'm a very firm believer in that there's a lot of different kinds of love, especially when romantic relationships are considered. It's not just this one feeling of "being whole", feeling as though you're about to burst with love, you can't stop thinking about the person to the point of obsession, etc. I believe that these different kinds of love happen and depend on our moods at the time. For example, if you're really looking to be loved by someone and you're actively trying to fall in love on purpose but you say "by accident"- then you're obviously going to be semi-obsessed and have very deep-rooted feelings for this person. Because you're investing so much into this. I'm very guilty of this, maybe not right now, but I have definitely done this before! So you're not alone! My opinion on "love" is that it can happen at literally anytime. But the kind of love, all depends on you. Some, like my mom, say that you'll find real and true love when you least expect it. When you're completely okay with everything in your life, when you're completely okay with yourself. I really wonder if this is true, you know? I wonder if it's really like that, or if we just like to think it is.

Not surprisingly, I believe in soul-mates. My mom and her boyfriend are a proven fact of that. Never have I seen two people who were more perfect for each other....well, besides my maternal grandparents of course. My mom had to go through a disgustingly abused first marriage (add four kids under the age of 21 into this) and another abusive (finanically this time, but not much better) marriage just to get to her boyfriend now. Honestly, as adorable as their story is, I don't want to go through that. I don't want to have to go through all that hurt and abuse, just so I can finally have my soul mate. It doesn't seem justified to me at all. Sometimes, I think finding my soul mate isn't even worth it. Everyone wants to think that the person they are with is their soul mate, but how do you really know? Does an AHA! moment just sneak up on you one day? Do you just know from the moment you see this person? I really don't understand this concept, and yet I still believe it in. Maybe more so for other people, and not so much so for myself.

The concept of marriage is along the same lines. When is a good time to get married? To have kids? Most people say after you've really "lived" your life, but how the hell do you determine that? You're going to be living your life every damn day that you're alive! Do they really mean "when you get past your wild phase"? Because no matter what, you're going to have temptation all around you, throughout your entire life. So would it really make a difference if you got married at 20, rather than 30? I want to believe that it doesn't matter. That if you're truly and deeply in love, then go for it! Start your life with that person, who am I to say any differently? But I don't know. I feel like getting married is great and something I've always wanted to do (one day. not now!) but will it ever happen? If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be for life. I really wouldn't want to put my kids through a divorce. Unless, there were abusive factors that came into play. Then I'm out, my kids included. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get married. It just seems to iffy to me, too idealistic. Weird.

Now that that tangent is over, let's wrap this shit up.

My solution to my confession is, to take deep breaths. One time at a damn time, otherwise the feeling of being overwhelmed is just going to keep growing into this untamable monster. And I really don't need to fight a monster right now. Also, I really should deal with everything. Take it like the woman my mother raised me to be. I need to stop bitching and get over myself, moreover.

Loss of Creativity, Tangents and Confusion

2010-12-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This is long overdue.

Sometimes I wonder if it's at all possible to completely lose all of your creativity and passion. Is it really within the realms of possibility that you can just "misplace" such a valuable part of your soul? How does this even happen? Why does this happen? And you know what boggles my mind? It's when we need this sense of originality and spirit the most, it's seemingly lost in the depths of our unconscious.

My confession today is that I fear that I lost my creativity, my passion and my muse that produces these wonderful things. And I feel so naked, lost and alone without it. I feel raw and powerless with this flow of energy coursing through my veins.

So lately I've been trying to get myself back into writing, because it feels like forever since I've written anything that's thought provoking and profound. But for some reason I can't seem to grasp onto the sense of inspiration that I once had. I feel so mundane, it's actually really disheartening. It's seems as though ever since I started dating my last boyfriend, my enthusiasm to write just slowly started to dissipate. And that's not to say that he "sapped" my creative energy and muses, because truthfully, I don't know if he did or not. I've just been feeling so disoriented. And a massive part of me thinks that it's because I've "lost" my medium, my one crutch that held onto so tightly when I was severely depressed. It basically feels like my left arm was cut off...and, my dear readers, that's the arm (er..hand?) I write with!

The lack of fulfillment is really beginning to take it's toll on me. You might be thinking to yourself: 'Pshh, please Angelia, you're writing is perfectly up to par now. Stop complaining you wus." Yeah well a little to-be-now-known fact about this blog post: it was supposed to be posted about a little over two months ago. That was around Octoberish...it's December now. Yeah, it's taken me that long to finish this. It's not as if I've been working day and night on this blog post either, quite the contrary actually, I've been busying myself with school, work and trying to cope well with the bodyslams that life has been giving me this semester.

I just realized that last sentence might've sounded a bit like I'm searching for pity, but let me be straight with you, dear reader, I'm not. I'm sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my depressive symptoms and making it seem as if my life is a shit hole. Because in all honesty, it's really not, compared to some other people at least. I mean, sure, we all go through those times were we need empathic listeners, and we need to vent out our frustrations on the life and life in general. To which, I'm absolutely no exception to this rule. In fact, that's why I started blogging in the first place: to just vent, get it all out before I spontaneously combusted or something. But as I'm rereading my posts, going through my older blogs on another site and seeing how much I've grown not just as a writer, but as a person, I feel the need to just assure you all of my self-confidence and my strict "no-fly-zone" in the pity department. Meaning, I don't want pity, I just want to make a difference in some way, let people know that they aren't alone like most think they are.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a tangent. Yep, happens all the time. Anyway, back to writing and me feeling as though I'm losing my creativity. Right then, back on the bandwagon.

Considering the fact that I just ended one of my "big" finals of the semester and I'm now writing again, makes me think that school might be the culprit at hand here. What a decent amount of people don't understand is that college, no matter where you are, is extremely stressful and draining. Most people think it's down to the Science of Time Management, but I'm starting to believe that's only a piece of the puzzle. I've been feeling as though my creative energy has been sapped for a while now, and I never really thought it was because of being stressed out. Which is quite odd because that's usually one of the first things people think of when they're in a situation like this, but usually, I work pretty well under pressure. Particularly when I'm stressed, passionate, or my emotions are running high, is when I produce good writing. Maybe I'm changing, maybe my habits and norms aren't what they used to be. And you know what?

This fact actually is scaring me. I honestly don't really have a solution to my confession, being that this is the first time in months that I'm effortlessly popping out a blog. Throughout writing this I've come to some unlikely conclusions for myself and my alleged "Loss of Creativity." And to be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to sum up everything and find a solution at the moment.

Maybe it's best to just sit on this new-found discovery for a few days, and see if my effortless writing lasts. If there's one thing I've learned from not being able to writing anything worth reading, that includes journal entries and blog posts, then maybe I shouldn't rush these things. Maybe I should just relax and take it for what it is.

Grief and Guilt.

2010-08-31T09:24:00.001-07:00

It's it insane that you don't know what you truly had until you lost it? That you take things for granted so easily and you don't cherish the moments that you have with a person until they're gone forever. So now you're thinking "Gee, maybe I should've really paid attention and savored every moment I had with them. But I didn't. I fail at life." That's a pretty blunt version, I'll admit; but regardless, you feel inexplicably guilty and remorseful. Believe me, I know this all too well at the moment.

My confession today is that I'm consumed with grief and guilt. And I don't really know how to function all that well right now.

On Tuesday August 25th, 2010, Kristin Green passed away in a car accident. For those of you that don't know, I was extremely close to her, her brother Sean and their family for years. And I regrettably say that in the past recent years, I haven't kept in touch with the Green family. Sean and I were the best of friends towards the end of eighth grade, during ninth and tenth grade. We were almost inseparable. And along with being best friends with him, I became extremely close with his family. They were basically my second family and I was considered their "adopted daughter" during the time that me and Sean were friends. Some of the best times of my life was with the Green family, and I know that I will never ever forget those moments I shared with them.

To hear the Kristin is no longer with us, it really breaks my heart into two. And I'm not just saying that. I was so extremely shocked by her death that I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm consumed by grief and guilt. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to over come these feelings; and I'll just be devored by this aura of negativity. But I know that I can't think that way, because Kristin really wouldn't want me to. And I know everyone says things like that when someone they know passes away, and sometimes they don't even know how that person would feel, or what they would want, or what they would say. Some people just say things like that to make others feel better, less grief-ridden. And that's okay because sometimes that needs to happen in order for people to move on. But you didn't know Kristin. She really wouldn't have wanted anyone to feel grief-ridden or guilty. She was a brilliant person, so full of life and happiness. And I'm not just saying that because she truly was just like that.

Dealing with these emotions are exceedingly difficult and tiring. But sometimes in life we have to deal with things that aren't ideal. Sometimes we have to be strong for others, or maybe we have to be strong for ourselves. Sometimes we shed tears just to let everything out, sometimes we scream and curse the world for doing this to us. But no matter how you deal with grief and guilt, you will move on. You will embrace the spirit of the one you've lost, you will look back on the amazing times you've shared. You will be happy again. You just have to take one day at a time.

My solution to my confession, is to live. I'm making a vow to not live my life ridden with angst and grief, instead, I'm going to move on (albeit not easily). I'm going to embrace every day as if it were my last, or at least I'm really going to try. I don't want to take advantage of the things I've been granted, not anymore.

Growing Up

2010-04-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experience that point in your life when you know that you're not a kid anymore? When you've been completely subjected to the ideals of adulthood? It seems like one day you're playing Super Mario Brother's with your older brothers and then...BAM! Adulthood and maturity smacks you right in the face. This, my lovely readers is called, growing up. And yours truly is currently experiencing it. Lovely.

My confession today is, I'm growing up right before my very own eyes. And you know what readers? I'm so petrified that I'm basically freaking the out everyday, all joking aside.

In a physical aspect, I'm just about done growing. However, my mind and everything I've ever known and have believed keeps on expanding. My maturity level is through the freaking roof on most days, but I still have that little five year old stuck inside my soul. It's, for lack of a better word, scary. Don't get me wrong, I'm so ecstatic that I'm finally taking this massive step in my life! But at the same time, I can feel myself changing. And if you haven't guessed by now, I don't like changing myself all that much.

I've found that I much more reserved now, it's such on odd concept to grasp, but it's true. I'm no longer the girl who said anything and everything that's on her mind in every given second of the day. I just watch now, mostly. Observing the situation before I have to decide what side I am on. To contradict this statement, I still tell it like it is and I'm still completely honest with people. I've come to the unprofessional conclusion that I'm picking my battles wisely, just as my Mom taught me. I've taking others' feelings into account, rather than being insensitive. Mind you, that was a completely unprofessional statement.

You know what an unnerving part of growing up is? Finding out that your needs are changing. Imagine you're in a (romantic) relationship, and one month you're so intensely in love, so much that you can hardly imagine your life without that other person. And them it seems like all of a sudden, all those feelings disappear. The love is still present, but now it's warped and changed. The feelings you once had, the lovey dovey kind, have now morphed into pure and genuine caring. Kind of you would feel for a best friend or a family member. So what the hell do you do now? You are left with someone who you know is in love with you, but the thing is, you're not anymore. It can be so completely frustrating because you love this person so much that you wouldn't do anything to harm them, but the reality is that hurting them is inevitable. And it kills you inside every time they say "I love you" because they mean it in a way that you don't feel anymore. Because even when you say it back, it's not the same and you know it. Now all of this is on your shoulders, and you don't know how in the hell to stop you feelings from changing and making it go to the way to once was. Incredibly frustrating right? You have no idea until you're actually in this situation.

Despite all of the stress and frustration that comes with growing up, I'm kind of excited that it's happening. I dunno you have noticed by now, but I'm far beyond my years. I've always felt that in a way I was more mature compared to other teenagers, so it feels like I've been waiting for this opportunity for a lifetime. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure that I want to do this anymore. I know that I have to though, there's no going around it.

My solution to my confession, is to do nothing. Because honestly, there is nothing you can do about growing up. You just have to let it happen, and whatever you endure during this will make you the person that you're meant to be. And I dunno if I want to mess with the Fates like that. If it's meant to be then it shall.

TTFN!

Self-Esteem, Beliefs and Lack of Confidence

2009-10-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

Everybody goes through a period of time where they lack confidence and have low self-esteem, right? Let's take a deeper looking though: why is do people doubt themselves? Why in the hell do people lack confidence and struggle with self-esteem issues? Why?! Why don't we all just except who we are, as human beings? Why is there a constant need to doubt ourselves, our beliefs and our abilities? All I want to know is why this has become some sort of Rite of Passage that everyone must go through, in order to grow up.

My confession today, I lack self-esteem and confidence. I'm always doubting myself and my beliefs for some reason, and to be honest, I really don't even know why. For some reason or another I just have so much self-doubt and self conscious tendencies, that I'm missing out on life and I'm not truly "living" like I know I should be.

I've been trying to figure this out for a while now, the reasons why I have these unnecessary doubts and feelings. But my progress so far, hasn't been what I hoped it would be. However, I have narrowed it down to one probable conclusion. And even though it'll sound like an excuse, I hope dear readers, that you don't mistake it as one.

So maybe the reason that I have so much self-doubt and lack of confidence is the fact that, I've never received the love that almost every other girl gets from her father. I know it might seem a bit far fetched, and it may even seem illogical, but I can't but feel that it's true. My father is the only person in my life who I've sought for their approval constantly, whether consciously or subconsciously (and whether I like it or not).

I try to make it seem as though I really don't care about what my father thinks, but if I were honest with myself (which I usually try to be), then I would know that the statement above isn't exactly the truth. To explain why I seek his approval, wouldn't be the easiest or the best thing for me to explain. Maybe it's because, he's never showed me the love and compassion that most fathers show their daughters. Maybe it's because, I've been heavily criticized by him for a good portion of my abridged life. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been abused, mentally and emotionally battered, and brainwashed by him. Or maybe, just maybe, I want to believe that my father can change and be the man I want him to be (i.e- loving, caring, non-psychopathic person).

My father has brought me to the point where I feel emotionally crippled and unable to handle anything that comes my way (which, for the record, I can!). People'll say I have "Daddy Issues" and you know what, they're right. I do, so what? I try not to put the blame on him, because I want to show the world (even though I don't necessarily have to) that I don't need him, in any regard whatsoever. But I can't help but keep going back to him, as being the root of a good portion of my problems.

All I keep thinking is that if I had a better childhood, if I had a better father, then I wouldn't be the way I am today. I wouldn't necessarily have these intense self esteem issues (although I am getting better now). But I'm determined to use him as a crutch, as my supporting factor to the problems, hardships that I have to deal with every single day of my life. I'm determined to not rely on him, be like him in any sense whatsoever.

My solution to my confession, to have the self-confidence that I know that I own deep down. To never use my father and his lack of nurturing as an excuse to any of my problems. That includes past, present and future problems!

I will prevail, I will show him, and anyone who doubts me, that I can (and will) be anything that my hearts desires, and I will carry out everything that I do with confidence. I will radiate self-assurdness and there will be no signs of any lack of confidence. This begins now, until my last living day on this planet. Let's do this!

TTFN!

Loss of Sight and Shame

2009-09-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

I lost it. I'm completely ashamed to say so too. I lost my slight (figuratively). I know this might be vague now, but not to worry, I'll be explaining soon enough, I promise. Back on topic: I feel distraught, embarrassed and shamed. The reason? Get ready.

My confession today, I lost my sight with advocating for Invisible Children. To help those child soliders that people keep on forgetting, the same children I forgot. I feel beyond ashamed, even though some tell me I shouldn't. But no matter what they say, I keep feeling as though I let those children down in some way.

I know that this may seem a bit illogical, but it's honestly what I'm feeling. I feel as though I failed these kids in some way. That I've just did The Rescue and, for lack of a better word, forgot about them after that. I've been mondo busy with my life going topsy turvy as of late, but that's no excuse. I want to be there for these kids in some way, I need to be there for them. Because I don't want them feeling like I did, when I didn't exactly have someone.

This'll be a short blog (for me at least), I have a lot of things I must share with you, my dear readers. I need to get into the swing of things, I need to find my passions again. I need to find the things that drove me to live everyday and fight for what I believe in. I've lost my sight on my hopes, dreams, goals and morals. And now it's time to find my lost sight, to hold on and fight for everything I believe is true and right. And I'll be starting with once again heavily advocating for Invisible Children. There's no way in hell I'm gonna lose my passion again, especially considering the fact it was something I held so near and dear to my heart.

My solution to my confession, to stop not believing in myself. I know who I am, so why do I doubt myself so much? I tell people to embrace their traits everyday, and yet I can't do the same. Well that ends now!

Get ready (again) world, I'm back and better than ever!

TTFN!

Never Ending.

2009-09-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so first of all, this isn't exactly a "confession" blog today. It's more of a "I need to vent now or I'm gonna explode" type of blog. Well, dearest readers, get ready for a huge onslaught of frustration, anger and disappointment. Ready...Set...Commence!

Today, this blog will be focusing on the ongoing and never ending conflict in Northern Uganda and Congo. Yes, readers, I'm once again talking about Invisible Children. The child soldiers forced to live a life of unnecessary violence, madness and terror.

As all of you may know, I'm extremely passionate about this particular epidemic. And to be completely honest (as I always try to be), I'm not exactly sure where this intense passion comes from. I mean, these are children that I'll never be meeting in my life. Children who don't know my name, age, nothing; and I'm not in knowledge of theirs either. And yet...I feel as though I'm connected to them in some sort of way. It's almost as if they're apart of my extended family, a family I won't ever get to see, know or meet.

It frustrates me to no end that useless violence and terror is happening in this day and age. To hold children against their will, force them to commit unspeakable crimes...it's almost unfathomable to me. And maybe all of this anger, frustration and compassion comes from my background: living in terror every single day of my life, being petrified to stand up for myself and my family, living in such a horrible abusive home. And let me tell you something readers, I got the good end of the stick. My brothers and mother, goddess bless them, had it a helluva lot worse than I did. Maybe that's the root of my passion, or maybe it's not. But all I know is that this conflict needs to stop, now. Not in ten years when there's no life left on the precious earth that is Uganda and Congo, but now.

Here are a couple of statistics for you, I'm warning you now readers, that these will shock you. Mind you, this is only in Southern Sudan alone (to date). Ready? Yeah well, I wasn't either but here they are anyway:

167 abductions
188 deaths
68,000 displaced

Quoted from the Invisible Children website:

"Since, January 2009, LRA violence against innocent civilians has intensified across four countries, originating in Uganda, and extending into the Central African Republic (CAR), Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), and most recently, Sudan."

THIS.IS.MADDNESS! Why? Why do these innocent people have to be subjected to such terrible violence? Why do people have to die, injured and mutilated in order for others wanting to be heard? Why doesn't anyone, besides the activists fighting out there and those who actually care, want to give these innocent people any help?

I'll end this with asking you something: If you could do anything to help these people, would you? Personally, I would do everything in my power. I'd give almost anything to help these poor people (I'll explain that in my next blog). Just think about my question, okay? And any emails would be appreciated and directed towards: angelia@thehpalliance.org

TTFN!

Over Stressed, Anxiety Ridden and Impossibly Difficult

2009-07-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I never take the chance to stop and look at what's around me. I'm constantly in a rush or hurry, constantly making a mad dash for my door because once again, I woke up too late or didn't give myself enough time to get ready. I never just stop what I'm doing and, for lack of a better phrase, "smell the roses" as some would say. I've been taking notice of this as of late though, and I'm vowing to myself to change it. It starts now, there's no turning back at this point.

My confession today, I'm an over stressed, anxiety ridden and impossibly difficult teenager as of recently.

Now, when I say "impossibly difficult" I don't at all mean that I don't follow the Rules of Life (as I like to call 'em) and other common sense stuff like that. For me it means that I think too much, I over analyze almost everything I do and I don't think about the typical teenager worries. The latter might actually be good for me in the long run, but I feel a bit distant from other teens my age. I could elaborate on this, but I think that's for another blog.

So let's take a gander at the "overly stressed" part of my confession! In short, I just stress over the little things that I shouldn't be worrying about. And even though I tell myself that I'm not gonna get stressed, I do anyways. I think I possibly might be a wee bit of a worrier, which I don't always consider an amazing thing. I've found that sometimes in life, things just happen and you can't control them no matter how hard you try to. Even if you want to just control your emotions, your situation, your status; you can't because life throws those unexpected curve balls and twists at 'cha. Following up on that, I've found that you just gotta take things as they come but still try to be at least a possible half a step ahead. Does that make any sense? I think I'm just ranting and rabbling at the mo' so don't mind me!

Time for...wait for it...that "anxiety ridden" aspect of my confession! Okay so honestly, I'm not a complete anxiety ridden individual. I just get slightly worked up with non important things. Strangely though, it's not all non important things ya know? It's when the certain random things go slightly awry, that's when BAM! Mr. or Miss Anxiety shows up and takes over for a bit. It's pretty disconcerting if you ask me.

My solution to my confession, is to stop worrying over things that ought to not be worried about. To quit letting Mr. or Miss Anxiety take over and make me have a minisode. And finally, to extinct over stress and other random feelings of that sort.

Well, I believe I'm done now! I got a lot off my chest (not literally of course!), and I really think I made progress today. Which is completely exciting! Sorry for the long wait, hopefully I'll be writing on this more frequently then hardly never.

TTFN!

Abused

2009-05-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Some material in this blog may not be suited for young children, and anyone who feels upset by this topic. Please read with caution, I mean not to offend anyone. I just want my voice to be heard, and encourage others to speak up as well. This is a serious issue, and will not be treated without the utmost care on my part. Continue if you feel you are ready.

Abuse (v)- to treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly and repeatedly.

I'm a firm believer in that if any one person is in need of help, you should do anything in your power to give them a "helping hand". If you would see that someone needs help, is there any chance you would be the one person to brighten their day, make their world a safer place and help them? To see a person being harmed, is a spine-chilling experience in itself. To hurt others just for the disturbing joy in doing so, isn't right. Purposely taking away someone's innocence, whether through the means of rape or other ways, shouldn't even exist in our world. The act of physically harming a child, teenager, adult, person, should never happen. No matter how angry, upset or mentally unstable the one afflicting these acts is. Never should anyone be on the receiving end of an act of abuse. Ever.

My confession today, I was a victim of abuse. Although, never physically hit, I've endured mental and emotional abuse. And that honestly hurts just as much, contrary to popular belief.

Think about this, if someone needs your help, and you have the ability to extend your aid, would you come to their rescue? Can you honestly say that you would help any person, by any means, in any place, whenever you can? I'll throw a scenario your way, let's see what you think dear readers:

WARNING: Some material maybe graphic for some readers. Caution is recommended, read wisely. Please feel free to skip this section, for it contains a semi-graphic display of abuse. Please read carefully.

You're shopping, in the mall. Just walking around, minding your own business. You pass by a teenager arguing with their parent. Of course you really think nothing of it, for it happens frequently, with the age of adolescence. As you're idly walking pass the scene, hoping to avoid the pair at all costs, you take in the teenager's appearance: to you, they look like a "trouble-maker", a "rebel", they look as though the parent has every right to yell at their child, given the state of appearance they are currently holding.

Ignoring them, you keep on steadily walking. Your stride not breaking, no matter how high their voices escalade. SLAP! The sound of flesh hitting flesh makes a loud cracking noise. It seems to bounce off the walls, freezing almost everyone within hearing distance. It was so loud, that several heads swivel to see the source in which it came from: The parent. And one of those several people, dearest reader of mine, is you.

Horrified, you stand stock still watching the aforementioned parent strike their child once more. And again, and again. Over and over until a sick rhythm is made. Each hit is served more powerful and fierce then the last. The teen, previously stood proud and tough, is now cowering from their parents' powerful blows. You keep watching, still horrified and not too sure what to do. You see tear cascading down the child's cheeks, terror etched into their now youthful and innocent features. Faintly you hear muffled cries of pain, heartbreaking sobs that override the dull thuds and sharp hits that the parent to giving. A scandalized murmur breaks through the growing crowd. Everyone stands still, watching, talking, gesturing. Yet, not one person steps in and stops this public act of abuse.

Still standing in a motionless state, you're barely breathing, moving. In short, you're completely shocked, for you never thought that someone could even think of doing such a terrible act to a child. Without warning, a primal, animal-like shriek is produced from the mouth of the abuser. The parent. Hits become more forceful then ever, the cries become louder, more disturbing. Faces of the crowd begin to form into a sea of pity, sympathy, anger and disgust.

Still, no one does a thing as this child gets beaten. No one stands up for them, no one defends the child, no one does a thing. And so far, reader, that includes yourself. So what would you do? Attempt to break this serious and horrendous act of "parenting"? Effectively try and protect this shattered child? Or would you walk away? It's not your business to get involved with other peoples', for you wouldn't want someone stepping on you in that way. You aren't directly affected by this act, so just let them "work it out". In short, my dearest reader, you have to choose: Fight or Flight?

Personally, I would fight. I would have given my all to protect this child. All 165 pounds of me, would go into making certain that this "parent" would never ever touch their child in such a way ever again. I might be small compared to some, but I hold a ton of power behind my punch if you get my meaning. My compassion for humanity would override any type of feeling I would have at that exact moment.

In my abridged life, I have been through a great deal of issues. I, myself, come from an abusive home. Although, I was never physically hit, I have witnessed a lot of acts such as the one above. I am seventeen, and sometimes I feel as though I've seen a lifetime of pain, misery, hurt. I was fairly young when these types of acts became regular in my home, and some even before I was born. My father was the abuser, of course now he will feverently deny such an accusation. I, being the youngest of four children by about nine to eleven years, was so petrified of my father. I grew up in fear, terror. At the time I didn't understand why this happened, why he did this to my mother, my brothers. I'm so thankful that my mother and brothers never ever let my father touch me, for I would most definitely be more "loopy" than I am now. For years, I lived in the utmost terror because of my father and the things he could do with his fists, his words. Still, I find myself flinching automatically as someone (mostly males) raise their voices in anger, or otherwise.

Although, my brothers tried their best to keep me away from the majority of things that were happening in our house, I still found it difficult to tune out the noise. The yelling, the screaming, the sounds that came with the hitting. Of course you can say it could be my "imagination overdoes" kicking in, but this is what I remember, what I feel like I lived. I find myself feeling terrible at times, wishing so much that I could take away the pain that he cause the one I hold most dear. In true martyr fashion, I wish it was me that he only hurt, I wish I could taken on the burden of memories and pain, I wish it never happened to us. But it did, and as much as we'd like to, we can't change that.

My form of abuse came later into my life, around the age of eight I'd say. My parents got divorced, and being the only one out of the four kids that my dad could talk to about everything, I was forced into an ongoing battle. I have three brothers, one of them, the youngest one is autistic. So he doesn't understand everything that has or was happening. My two oldest brothers didn't want anything to do with my father, and for good reason. So there I was left, in the middle of a nasty divorce, a healing single mother and a bitter, sadistic father. I had to mature quickly, and also I had to deal with a ton of verbal abuse on my father's part. Every time I went with him on "his weekend" (he had visiting rights), I'd get an unwanted earful about my mother and obscene accusations he made about her. I was eight, and I was still terrified of my father.

As time went on, my terror never changed. Constantly I got phone calls and visits that consisted of yelling and verbal bashing in my honor. By the time I was ten, I became shy, timid and allowed this abuse to take over my life. I loved my father, despite all that he's done. I didn't understand it myself, and I don't think I ever will, but I did love him. Maybe it was just the obligatory fact that he was my father, maybe not. For years to come, I put up with these on-going acts. At times he didn't feel the need to "talk with me, because I didn't deserve the attention", and others he acted as if he was Father of the Year. Which, by the way, he most certainly wasn't.

Up until I was around sixteen, I let this man walk all over me, I never truly stood up for myself. I made some arguments here and there, but nothing that I would fearfully get punished because of. One day, after about twenty straight minutes of yelling being directed at me, I snapped. I just started firing off anything that would spring into my mind, all the times he hurt me, my family. All the times he exclaimed I was "ungrateful, and soon I would see what everyone really is about". All the times I was hurt, scorned and wounded intentionally by him. Everything that was building up inside of me, just spilled out at that moment. And you know what, he didn't even have a hint of remorse in his eyes, nothing to show that he was even the tiniest bit sorry for all he has done, nothing. Just black pools of dislike stared straight back at me.

For the first time in my short life, I stood against him. I challenged him, and proved clearly to him that he is wrong for all he has afflicted. I was proud, and I felt as if no one could stop me. As if no one especially him, could hurt me anymore. At that moment, I came into my true self, the one that types here before you today: Angelia. And even though I really didn't make any progress with him, I still feel relieved at what I did. Although, my father didn't stop hurting me in the ways he has for years, I couldn't (and still can't) help but feel accomplished. For I have taken my stand against my long-time bully, and I won. As previously stated, he didn't stop there. He just kept the insults and hurtful words coming, but they were easier to deal with because, I suddenly felt an urge of power take over me when I did stand up to him. And I continually did so, effectively showing him that I'm not afraid anymore, and I'll never be again.

My efforts seemed to be losing their color after a while, but I just remained strong. My mentality was "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". My father will never take away my rights again, and no one will for that matter either. My lengthy battle against my father is still being fought, but with less animosity on my part. I've grown tired of the hate-filled words and stares. The constant yelling match that comes along with my refusal to see what he did was "within justice". My energy is fading, only because I don't see a point in trying to change someone who isn't willing to seek change. Still, he keeps up his abuse towards me, I just tune him out, or try to at least. And I focus on better, more healthier aspects of my life. Because one day, I'll make this world a better place for children to grow up in.

I know it all seems graphic and difficult for those you who can't relate, but I feel I need to write about this. This is my healing process, my way of dealing with my past pain that hurts me so. The reason I'm sharing this with all of you is because, I want those who are being abused to speak up, to let their voices be heard clearly. I want every man, women, child, every person to stand against any displays of abuse. It's not okay, it'll never be okay. Always remember, you voice is stronger than you think. You alone can make these regrettably regular acts of abuse come to an end. And just think, if a few of us stand strong on this issue, we can make a safer world for everyone. Every child, woman, man, just everyone.

Never again do I want a child to feel as though they are worthless. Never again do I want a person to be as though they are inferior to other, for we are all strong no matter what your social stature currently is. Never again do I want a person to be abused, to be beaten, to be a shattered mess of pieces. Never again do I want any one to feel helpless, weak, defenseless against the one (or ones) that are harming them. Never again will I let a person obtain bruises and scars of a battle that was previously fought. Whether they be visible or not, the never truly go away.

I wish that no one would feel the pain that I felt during these acts that I have endured. Until my dying day, I will be advocating for human rights. Some may not be within my distance, and some may be closer to home than I would expect. I will take a pledge now to never become a victim again, to never let anyone become a victim again, to do everything within my power to save those who are in pain. No one, not on my watch at least, will ever be hurt the way I was. Not ever again, not if I can help it.

My solution to my problem, to stay strong. I'm beginning my healing process and I gotta say, it's not easy. But it's getting there, I'm dealing with memories I haven't dealt with in ages. Yes, I'm still aware I'm seventeen. It just feels way longer than that.

Like I previously said, never was I physically hurt. But the emotional, mental and invisible scars I bear with me everyday will forever be embedded into my mind. Forever, I will remember the villainy done against me and my family. I won't forget, but I will fight for those who still are going through the same thing. I'll always be there fighting, advocating, helping until I just can't anymore. Which will never happen, because I have loads of compassion for humanity to spread around.

Rescued

2009-05-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

Finally, all the cities that participated in The Rescue have been... RESCUED! It's been a long journey for some, and for others it's been a relatively short one (I, myself just got involved with Invisible Children two and a half weeks ago!) Whatever walk of life you come from, whatever different language you speak, whatever culture that you are apart of; it doesn't matter right now. What does matter is the on-going war in Northern Uganda and Congo, a war that purposely involves young children to fight as child soldiers. The governments of Uganda and the Democratic Republic of Congo, have been tirelessly attempting to stop the abductions from happening, but there's hardly no avail.

Joesph Kony and his rebel army have been installing pure terror and fear into the people of these countries for over 23 years. That's when Invisible Children came into play. As a non for profit company, they have been working non stop to end this war and bring home the abducted child soldiers. On April 25th, the world stood together with one voice and "abducted" themselves to protest against the abductions in Northern Uganda and Congo. For seven full days, city after city has been rescued by influential figures in our society. The last of the cities to be rescued is Chicago. And just guess who they're getting rescued by? OPRAH WINFREY! Yeah, I pretty much flipped out too.

The abductees of Chicago have been unbelievably dedicated and brave throughout this revolution. The various groups of Rescue Riders and the caravans of people following them, have been amazingly strong for all the cities they went to help. Overall, every single person that has been advocating inside and outside Chicago are serious inspirations in my mind. In true Harry Potter fashion, I'd have to say that Albus Dumbledore would be immensely proud of these amazing people.

Every person I've met through either Invisible Children or the Harry Potter Alliance, has served as a motivational source for me. These people are the reason I get up in the morning and realize that life is beautiful when your future is making outstanding decisions. These people give me a purpose to live. These people make me proud to say "I'm a Harry Potter fangirl, and a nerd!" and "I'm advocating for Invisible Children, for children and families that I'll never meet in my life."

From the bottom of my heart, I'd love to thank all of you. Invisible Children participants and the Harry Potter Alliance members alike. You have all truly touched my heart in way I couldn't even begin to explain, in ways that I'll start crying if I even start. So, Thank You. All of you, every single person that's said I've served as an inspiration to them or that my passion for Invisible Children is amazing. I'm just Angelia, doing my job to serve the voiceless while creating motivation everywhere! I'm just doing what I feel is right, what I believe in. So don't thank me, let me take this chance to say "Thank you, you're all amazing. Seriously, not kidding!"

Invisible Children will be featured on Oprah today! For the east coast, I believe the time is around 4 pm or so that her show comes on. And considering it's Oprah has her live shows on friday, we'll be seeing A LOT of Rescue Riders and abdcutees alike. Again, thank you all so much. I wouldn't be the person I am today with such amazing inspiration.

TTFN!

Imagination Overdose

2009-04-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The uses of "imagination" and "image" are used frequently in this blog post. Prepared to be annoyed!

Imagine (v)- Full mental image or concept of; to believe in; to exist or be so; to suppose or assume.

My imagination is what keeps me sane, it's take on a huge part of my life. On a daily basis I constantly find myself in a dreamlike state, a world full of possibilities. People, places, ideas and everything in between creep their way into my thoughts. Pictures flying around in my mind, ideas and innovations are formed. Creating a new light for some who aren't "in touch" with their imaginative self.

My confession today, I use my imagination way too much for the average person. In short, I frequently have "Imagination Overdose".

To merely picture a world without the wonders of the human imagination, makes me sick to my stomach. Who would want to live in a world where we, as people, are all the same. No creativity to set us apart, no special traits that makes us unique, nothing. Just plain, simple, non thinking. If the world was that way, then I might as well be considered dead. I don't see any point in living in a place where my thoughts are shunned or my personal self is alienated because of the various concepts I create with my mind.

When I say I have an overactive imagination, I'm really not kidding. At times, I'll find myself having a conversation (details and all) with no other living person in the room. It's quite odd, and some would even suggest I get checked out for schizophrenia. No, my lovely readers, I'm not schizophrenic. No, I'm not denying a problem that I might have. I'm just me, I've always been this way. Talking to myself as if someone is sitting right there next to me, having a detailed conversation with the air, constantly acting as if I have my best friend over when in reality there really is no one there. It is odd, I won't deny that. It's even possibly creepy, but I'm used to it by now and I don't think I'd want it to change. I guess living with something like that, you just get used to it.

Aside from having ADHD, I don't have any problems with my mind. I've been tested, and I assure you, you're not reading the blog of an insane teenage nobody. Because clearly the blog states "Confessions of a Teenage Somebody". I was never a nobody, and I never will be. I firmly believe that all minds work differently. Some people are more logical, while others are just off the spectrum of Logic and into a whole different ballpark. I, for one, am proud to consider myself all over the spectrum. Every one person does have the human instinct to talk to themselves, sometimes it just happens but no one will admit to anyone. I've found tons of people fear what others think. You may say "I don't give a crap what people think." but really you kind of do just by stating that. Everyone does, I think its just a human instinct. Sorry, got off topic there! Maybe this topic should be another blog...I'll be pondering it.

Going back on track to the wonders of imagination! Did you ever happen to read a book and you don't realize that you're reading at all, you're picturing what is going on inside your head? It's kind of like a movie, in a sense. With every word you read, a new image forms creating a huge tornado within your mind's eye. A tornado chalkfull of inspiration, ideas, thoughts, emotions, creativity.

Within the mind we can create our own world, our own heaven and hell, our own universe. There are no rules to playing around with your imagination, do whatever you like, say whatever you like. No one will judge, for they are thinking strange things as well. Whether the thoughts exist in the real world or not, you can explore your options. The sky's not the limit, because there is none.

My imagination gets put to the test everyday. With a creative, unique and "think outside the box" thought process I have, it's easy to forget to stay in the real world. Sometimes, I wish to just stay put in my mind, my thoughts. I wish to never be anywhere but my safe happy place, where no one can hurt me.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

I love this quote, it's symbolic and speaks to me above most others. It was said by Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter (You were waiting for it, weren't you!). And this quote really hits home, I am always having an up hill battle with forgetting to live in the real world, and to stop dwelling on dreams and thoughts all the time. I'd rather stay in my mind then face the various problems I face everyday. This, my lovely readers, is my escape mechanism. Yes, I'll be the first to admit, I try to escape often. But sooner than later, I know what I have to do, face my problems head on otherwise they'll just escalate into a great cookie monster trying to eat me (Good analogy?).

My imagination is my life, my air, my heart and my soul. I wouldn't ever exchange it for anything on this planet, ever. And yes, that includes a one-on-one meeting with the queen of Harry Potter herself, Jo Rowling. I surprised myself with that last sentence too! My imagination is what keeps my sane, along with tons of other things as well. If in the event that I would lose such a treasured gift, more than likely, I'd suffocate from my being bottled up, to not expressing myself in anyway. I rely on my mind, for imaginative ideas and otherwise.

My solution to my confession, hopefully not lose my grip on the reality of life, by hiding in my imagination. To be still creative, passionate and imaginative! All the while working peacefully with the reality I live in everyday.

TTFN!

Letters of Change

2009-04-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

Here's the letters that I wrote to my New York senators at The Rescue in NYC for Invisible Children. They were both roughly the same, so think of this like a happy medium, the best of both worlds and the masterpiece that just might change the world! (Maybe...not that far! But I can dream can't I?). So here it is folks, the "happy medium" letter that was written in under 30 minutes! Some things are added in, I'll probably post a picture too! But first...

My confession today, I wrote a Letter of Change. This will make a difference, my voice (along with so many others) will be heard. United as one, our Letters of Change will create justice, peace and happiness. As they say, "All for one, and one for all."

"Dear Senator Schumer and/or Senator Gillibrand,

My name is Angelia, I'm seventeen and a junior in high school. I got involved with Invisible Children about two weeks ago, and ever since I've been working to advocate a cause that I fell in love with. In the past two weeks I have barely had a thought that didn't contain what's happening in Northern Uganda and Congo. This noble cause has changed my entire life.

Just think: Rebels burst into your home, they take you son or daughter. Both genders aren't given a choice, freedom's are taken away, rights as human beings no longer exist. A47's shoved into the boys' shaking hands and screaming girl's cry out in pain as they are taken captive as sex slaves. Tear's streaming down both cheeks, they're told "If you cry, we will kill you" Is that a world you really want to live in?

So I urge you, please let's rescue these child soldiers and children from enslavement in the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA). Since President Obama has been elected into office, we as a country have been chanting "Change has come to America" and "Yes we can". Let's change it up a bit, "Change will come to Northern Uganda and Congo" and "Yes we will bring home these child soldiers, these children that have been abducted. Yes we can rescue them, united as one. One country, one heart." The Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) must be stopped. Enough is enough, this won't go on any longer. They must be brought to justice.

Please Senator(s) I beg you, help rescue these children. They've seen and done horrors that no one person should ever encounter. They've seen the true evil in life, but it doesn't have to be that way. Life is beautiful and inspirational, show these children what life can potentially be. Rescue them, and bring down the LRA forever.

Sincerely,

Angelia Simeti"

So that's about it! Some stuff was added in there, but for the most part, everything that was on my papers came onto this laptop screen. Seeing as I only took two pictures of one letter, you'll be getting the somewhat abridged version.

(Ignore my messy hand writing, it's usually neat. And all my scribbles too, it happens alot.)

My solution to my confession, I will keep writing Letters of Change. I will keep pushing my government to take action. I will, united with Invisible Children, end this war.

TTFN!

Proud Activist + The Rescue NYC

2009-04-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

Three thousand people came to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge. Three Thousand people walked across the bridge to make their voices heard. Three Thousand people slept on the cold, hard ground for children that they'll never meet in their lives. Three thousand people protested to end the on going war in Northern Uganda and Congo. One of those three thousand people, was me.

My confession today, I'm a proud activist.

The Rescue. To honestly say that this event was the best thing that has ever happened in my short lived life, would be a MASSIVE understatement. The energy was incredible, the passion was invigorating, the voices were hopeful, the people were amazing. We in New York City stood at three thousand people, united as one in hopes to end the war in Uganda and Congo. As a unit, we made the sacrifice to spend twenty-four hours in the streets. On the night of April 25th, we all shared one voice, one hope, one heart. Together, we created media attention to catch the eye of the people who don't know. Together, along with One HUNDRED other cities, we spoke for the voiceless child soldiers and people in Norther Uganda and Congo.

It was amazing. I was breathless so many times, and not just from the blistering heat or the many boxes and lights I helped carry. But from the people who care, the people who helped make our voices heard for the children. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't cry, because I did. It all felt like a dream, I never believed that there was so many people who actually cared. Sure, I saw the number on the site for New York City. But I really don't think it hit me until that night, when we all stood as one. That night, I made so many life long friends. People who are just as passionate about this cause as I am.

I'm so unbelievably thankful that I got involved with this outstanding cause. I've been hardcore advocating since the past two weeks, urging anyone that will listen to just go out and lend their support. And it really paid off. I didn't expect anything in return, I didn't expect that I'd care for people I only just met, I didn't expect anything to be so moving. What I got in return was nothing any one person could ever give me, a sense of true belonging.

In the Harry Potter fandom, I feel as though I can truly be myself. That I never have to hide in fear of being on the receiving end of a joke. I never actually met a hardcore Harry Potter fan like myself, I never sat down and talked to them face to face. Never in my life have I felt more at home than online with this amazing fandom. But it's not the same as being face to face with someone who is just as passionate as you are. I hope to meet all my friends here on the ning, as well as myleaky. April 25th was the day that I felt like I found my home, my mecca, my sweet and safe haven. People, just like me, want to make a difference. Never in my dizziest days, did I think I'd feel such an amazing energy as I did that day and night. It was indescribable, amazing and magical (all pun intended :D ).

On our way in Manhattan, my mom was trying to find her way to the Empire Fulton Ferry State Park. Our LRA campsite for the night. Seeing as she didn't listen to my directions at all, we got lost. Effectively making me late to the volunteer meeting before The Rescue. It was about 9:30 or so at this time. There was an accident going from the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn bridge to the Brooklyn side (does that make any sense?). So there was NO WAY I could have gotten to the meeting even remotely on time. Our solution: walk, across the Brooklyn Bridge and down to the park.

And so we did, me and my two friends! I carried a HUGE box of rope (2,00 feet!) more than half of the way, which sounds crazy. In short, we got lost (I have no idea how this happened honestly). We asked a police officer for help, and he escorted us to the park. I met the rest of the volunteer team, and I even met Laren Poole, one of the CEOs of Invisible Children. He was amazingly awesome in every way imaginable. That day, we volunteers did some hardcore manual labor. But it all paid off that night, to see the smiling, hopeful faces of the people who cared about children that they will never meet in their lives. It was all so worth it.

Around 2 pm, me and the abduction site team went to New York City Hall, our destined abduction site. At around 5:30 pm we started the walk, peaceful and meaningful. Over 3,000 people showed up at the site. And it was amazing. My group was the last to go, effectively ending the walk with mostly volunteers who didn't stay behind to make sure there wasn't any stragelers. When I got into the park, Laren was speaking. He was stating why we were staying the night, the cause we were sacrificing twenty-four hours for, the children we were speaking for. His speech was moving, touching and so heartfelt that tears formed into my eyes.

Later on, all 3,00 people formed an ocean of bodies and we did some photo opts and documentary footage for the next Invisible Children movie about The Rescue. This, made me almost bawl out in tears right then and there. The atmosphere was full of hope and impending change. We all felt that night that we WERE going to make a difference, our voices WERE going to be heard, we wouldn't leave until we got rescued.

Around 8 or 9 pm that night, New York CIty got rescued! Chris Lowell, Yin Chang, Jon Turtletaub, Amy Eldon Turteltaub, Jay Baruchel and Teresa Palmer all came out to rescue us! They're speeches were inspiring and outstanding as well. Just perfect. After being rescued (and a bit before), we were told to start writing our letters to our government officials. For me, it was Charles Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand, my New York senators. They, along with numerous others, were supposed to come out and rescue the brave souls who bared the the night in the park. But they never showed, whether they had another engagement or something important, we'll never know. But what is important is that NYC got RESCUED!

There are still cities out there who need rescuing! We went from one hundred to approximentley three or four cities awaiting their rescuers. Please, help them get rescued! Bring these brave souls home so we can all start doing even MORE work to help end this on going war in Uganda and Congo. Go to www.invisiblechildren.com or www.nightof.therescue.invisiblechildren.com and see what YOU can do to help EVERYONE be rescued. We won't rest until every single city is rescued and we let people know that this isn't okay to ignore this problem. We said "Never Again", so why is it still happening?

To sum up everything I felt at The Rescue in New York City in three simple words: amazing, hopeful, inspiring. I loved every single minute of this event. The aching muscles, the sore throat, the blazing fever , the scorching sunburn: was all worth it. And I'd do this all again in a heartbeat, just to see the faces of the hopeful, the voices of the activist, the determined looks of the inspiring. I wouldn't hesitate to do it ALL over again.

My solution to my confession, keep working to find justice in the world. I'm no super heroine, but I can damn well try as hard as I can to be like one. I will save the world. I will make change. I will break down the walls of injustice. I will not give up, ever.

TTFN!

Severely Depressed

2009-04-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately, how can one person get into such a deep depression that they can't pull themselves out? How did I get out of that horrid place, and how did I get there in the first place? Yes, you read correctly faithful readers, at one point (not too long ago) I was in that state of mind. You wouldn't have guessed from my "happy-go-lucky" mood and demeanor, but I've been in a dark place. Those were bad times, bad times.

My confession today, I was severely depressed.

Just to assure my rabid readers (Rita Skeeter's taking over my writing! AH!), I am NO longer under the "dictatorship" that is depression. No, I am extremely content and happy with myself. Although I do have those moments where I'm obviously not, but I try to take them in stride. I can only deal with so much, any one person can only deal with so much. And sometimes, you just break because you can't hold on to such negative things anymore. I broke at one point, and it was bad.

Those were dark times, dark times. I truly believed that I was alone in the world, and no one would take on the task to come and rescue me. I was a firm believer that (for lack of a better phrase) my life sucked and it wouldn't be getting any better in the years to come. I honestly thought that no one wanted to be around me, no one wanted to help me through my problems, no one wanted me. Not so much in the sense of romance, but in the sense of camaraderie, friendship. I thought no one loved me, but I was wrong.

Through the Summer of 2008 I became increasingly isolated. And to be honest, it scared me to death. I didn't realize the extend that I was going to not be in contact with people, it was unhealthy. As my depression got worse, so did my temper and attitude. I remeber constantly snapping randomly at my family and friends. I remember always taking things the wrong way, and I basically made myself think that everyone was out to get me. But they weren't.

Around about the last few weeks of August, I cracked. I was so devestatingly close to a nervous break down it was quite scary. I cried all the time, and at the most random moments too (it was weird, not gonna lie). I'd just get really quite and listen to nothing, or I'd get very angry and start randomly shaking from my anger. I remeber the day I finally lost it.

Naturally it was sunny and gorgeous outside, I was sitting in my newly painted Sunshine Yellow room. It was bright, happy and cheerful. The exact opposite of what I was feeling at that moment in time. I just sat there, sunshine blazing through my closed window. My air-conditioner running on high, and it was freezing up there. My gaze was transfixed on the wall in front of me, my pictures of happier times were smiling back. It was almost as if they were taunting me, saying silently that I might never see happiness again. A carefree times with no worries but if your ice cream was going to melt before you ate it. I stared, and stared, and stared until my eyes were burning with unshed tears. One lone tear made it's way down my pale face, and then another. Until I just couldn't take it anymore, the weight of my depression was crushing me and I finally snapped under the pressure. I cried for hours, lonely and alone in my cheerful room. My mind was blank, I couldn't even think. I tried, goddess knows I tried to think of something, anything. But nothing ever came.

Until an hour later. I snapped up into a sitting position, I had an epiphany. I was not going to stay like this, I was going to this monster that crept it's way into my way. I was going to stop this, no farther will I sink into oblivion. If no one is coming to rescue me, then I'm just gonna have to rescue myself. I knew I could do it, I did do it. With extra help from lovely people of course, but my mentally changed at that point. I was no longer going to be susceptible to this monster. Nope, never again will I go back to that dark place. Ever.

It took a few months, and I'm still healing and working everything out. I have to dig deep to find what really made me get to the point where I thought I wasn't going to return. To be honest, I really don't like digging deep. It only brings up horrible memories of things I'd much rather forget. But I won't stop, I'm gonna keep going. Although I'm not fully recovered, I'm just about there. I made it, I fought what I thought was the impossible and I came back alive doing it.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Tons of people say it, most mean it. But I'm a hardcore believer, everything does happen for a reason. Maybe I got into that severe depression, and came out victorious, so I could be a stronger person. Stronger than I started out with, stronger than I ever imagined.

My solution to my confession, stop thinking negative thoughts. It won't get you anywhere, and to say that might be easier said than done. But it's all a mental thing ya know, you think you can do it, you will do it.

I'm off, sorry I didn't post this earlier! I've been busy doing tons of amazing things with my life, I think everything is really falling into place :)

TTFN!

Happy

2009-04-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm BEYOND elated right now! Euphoric happiness is coming off of me in waves! I can't even begin to describe the state that I'm in right now. Wait for it...SQUEEEEEEEEE! (in true Sue Upton fashion). It's almost as if Happy Nargles have taken over my mind and Imperioed me into such a state. They're no Emo Nargles, YAY!

My confession today, I'm happy.

Speaking of things Harry Potter related (don't you just love segways?), I have uber exciting news explaining my I'm so unbelievably happy. On Wednesday, I was offered a staffing position and co-leader position on a project at...the Harry Potter Alliance! This is so amazingly squeeful! Honestly, the news just hit me now. Weird right? I think I was in complete shock for about 3 days or so. Guys, A CO-LEADER on a project and STAFF MEMBER?! ZOMGYAY! I'm going full on teenage fangirl right now, but I could care less. I still can't really believe it, me on the HPA as a staff member. Me, Angelia Louise Simeti, the seventeen year old Harry Potter obsessed girl who never knew that she could really make a difference in the world. Me. This is huge- No, this is epic. Epically EPIC.

Here's the story: This all happened after my blog post (see previous blog post) was posted on the HPA main site. I've gotten such amazing feedback from people, it's just brilliantly outstanding! I started talking to some of the HPA members about a possible project where the HPA and Invisible Children combine their awesome forces, and rid Northern Uganda and Congo of this Voldemort (Joseph Kony). I had a Gryffindor moment, and decided to take the idea to the head honcho himself, Andrew Slack. He co-founded and is the Executive Director of the HPA, he's just an all around amazing person trying to save the world like the rest of us. I emailed him via HPA Common Room, and I told him about a possible future project involving the HPA and Invisible Children together. This is what Dumbledore would love, to help these kids and other suffering from genocide around the area (especially in Darfur). Considering the fact that I was in school, I couldn't check my email frequently. Because I totally would have been going on every minute constantly refreshing, seriously. He emailed me back saying it was a great idea, and he'd love to create a partnership with Invisible Children. He even stated that my "passion was electrifying", I almost died right there. THERE'S MORE! He said and I quote: "I would LOVE for you to take the lead with me in developing this partnership...Would you be interested in joining the HPA staff? I know that myself and the rest of the staff would be thrilled to have you on board. There's much that needs to be done and it would be excellent to have you with us, doing it!"

I don't think I've ever squeed so loud in a public place before, not to mention my high school library full of kids my age. After squeeing loud enough for all of Deer Park High School to hear, I was reduced to a state of speechlessness. To say I was shocked would be a massive understatement. Quite literally, I couldn't form words. The sounds that my mouth omitted were little squeaks of excitement and gasps of breath. Within 5 minutes of staring at my screen, my best friend (who was beside me of course doing a project for her English class) looked over to me and asked what was wrong. Slowly, I turned to her. My eyes wide and tears quickly filling them, without saying a word I pointed to the computer screen in front of me. After she read the email Andrew sent to me, she was shocked as well.

"Oh my god"

I nod my head a little, still not believing what I just read.

"You're speechless?!"

Again, a nod answered her question.

"Angelia, you're never speechless."

Finally I broke my silence by basically shouting "I KNOW! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! SQUEEEE!" Needless to say, I was beyond excited about the news. After I was done squeeing my head off (probably every junior in there looked at me funnily, but I didn't care), I basically ran to the main desk and asked if I could use the phone. I called my mom, and she was beyond excited too! I hurriedly explained to her what Andrew said and she was just as shocked as I was. The teacher who was monitoring the library desk overheard my excited chat with my mom, and told me to tell her everything (she's one of those laid back and easy to talk to teachers). I proceeded to tell her everything, I was way too excited to keep my voice down. So I'm guessing every damn person in the library heard of my newly found staffing and co-leader position.

My solution to my confession, nothing. I'll continue to bask in my happiness for as long as I want. Everyone deserves to be happy at some point.

I'm finding that I've been epically failing to update this almost everyday. Two words: EPIC FAIL. But you're still getting a story anyway! Even if it is a few days late :D

TTFN!

Abducted

2009-04-16T21:29:00.001-07:00

This is blog post straight from the HPA ning. (Without the spelling mistakes thanks to Emeline!). Enjoy, and be aware.

‘So I Just read and article about and signed up for Invisible Children. And I was honestly floored, I had no clue that any of this was even happening. Sure, I had a slight idea of child soldiers, and violence happening in Northern Uganda and Congo, but to the extent shown in the video: No Way.

In a certain aspect I feel terrible, I constantly tell people to break the cycle of ignorance and do something in the world. Yet, this war has been going on for over 20 years and I didn’t even have enough sense to read about it? I feel as though I’m a major hypocrite in some way, although I know this may not be the case. So I’m gonna do something about “my ignorance” to child soldiers in Northern Uganda and Congo. I’m abducting myself, as are many others to take a stand against Joseph Kony’s Child Soldiers. April 25th, in over 100 cities over the world people will abduct themselves to free those who have been unfortunately abducted. I ask anyone who reads this: Sign up! Be abducted and let these child soldiers know that they aren’t alone, we’re going to fight for them until this war is finally over. That’s it, the gloves are off now. Let it be officially stated that Angelia Simeti has joined the Invisible Children cause and IS NOT giving up on these kids without a damn good fight.

My heart literally broke as I watched the wonderfully made 30 minute video on the terror thats been happening for over 20 years. I sat on my comfortable, little couch. Never expecting something that would alter my life forever. I have the luxury to sit here and type this, while kids my age (seventeen) are fighting for their lives (as well as their families I’m sure). I complain everyday about school, family, friends, such trivial things compared to what’s happening in Northern Uganda and Congo. There’s people MY FREAKIN’ AGE who’ve seen such horrors, that I couldn’t even begin to describe. I can’t relate to them, I can’t say “I totally understand what you’re going through” because I don’t. Plain and simple, I have the privilege and honor of having a safe environment, with loving people around me, a school that cares enough to push me to my fullest potential (albeit, sometimes it doesn’t seem that way). But these children, these teenagers are denied the basic nesscessities that we, as teenagers and as younger children, need in order to grow up. To become more mature.

Every child should have that privilege- no, that RIGHT. It’s their birthright. They deserve everything I’ve been given, if not more. If I honestly could just walk up to Joseph Kony and make him stop this reign of terror he’s had for so long: I’d willingly die a happy woman. If I could give these kids the opportunities that they’ve missed, I could say that my life’s work and mission is complete. I wish, I hope, I even pray that this will all end.

Alas, I know it won’t. Not until something’s done, not until we show the world how much WE, as human beings, want this to change. WE have to stand up together, we’re stronger in numbers than we are individually. Since President Obama has been officially elected into office, we’ve been chanting “Change has come to America”, “Yes We Can”. Let’s change it: “Change has come to the WORLD, We stand together and fight ALL the evil that’s been plaguing the world”, “Yes WE UNITED TOGETHER can bring justice for the child soldiers in Northern Uganda and Congo.”

I urge you: shout it from the roof tops, scream it down your neighbor’s block, yell it from the depths of your soul! Take a stand, bring over 3,000 children home to their families. Rescue them, and abduct yourself. Urge someone influential, (whether it be a celebrity, icon, political figure or just some average joe who wants to stand up with you) to take a stand and abduct themselves April 25th.

Please, if not for yourselves and your heart: then for the kids who’ve been abducted from their beds, snatched from their families and everything they knew. Please, help rescue them! I’m abducting myself, and so should you. April 25th, in over 100 cities across the world, be there and show the world how much we care.’

Please don't hesitate to check www.invisiblechildren.com!

TTFN!

Selfish and Ignorant

2009-04-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

NOTE: Sorry! I was supposed to post this yesterday, but I quite literally took a shower and passed out right after. Which was about 10:30, and that's extremely weird because I'm a "night owl" (Hedwig II anyone?). Anyway, on with the blog!

I look around my school cafeteria today, and I don't think I've ever realized how separated everyone was before. All into their own little worlds containing their vain melodramatic problems, unimportant information that doesn't concern anyone but themselves, and thoughts that don't show a care in the world about anyone suffering outside of their small protect bubble.

I can only imagine what is racing through their minds at that moment: family, friends, love, sex, parties, college. For the select few that carry other burdens, I tip my imaginary hat to them. Job well done guys, you're not being superficial! Cheers! But I'm not one to judge, for I have lost my way, where my morals stand and became just a superficial (and trivial) teenage girl. With nothing other to look forward to then shopping on a Saturday afternoon or drama-filled sleepover for Friday night. At one point, I was concerned with no one other than myself, my problems and my dreams. My very own love dilemmas and melodramatic quarrels that will end in an hours time. I considered my ignorance to be blissful, I only had to just simply reach my goals; and make sure no one back-stabbed me in the process.

In the past year or so, I've found my way again. I know what my morals are, how far I can push myself and how far I'm willing to go to achieve what I want. Within the past year, I've found parts of myself. Albeit, I still haven't found my whole self; but I'm working on it. However, as I've been on a journey of epic self discovery, I'm not at all comfortable with making myself out to be like a poster-child for change and teenage self discovery.

My confessions today, I'm selfish and ignorant.

As I've been discovering myself, worrying about my "love troubles" and wanting to escape high school by graduating early; I came to a realization that I've been turning a blind eye to the world and the happenings around me. I'll be the first to admit: I, Angelia Simeti, am ashamed of myself for not opening my eyes (so to speak) and seeing the world for what its come to be. People dying, whether it be by people or epidemics. Money flying out of our hands and into the wind, people losing their homes because of that. Everyone fighting with each other over the stupidest things. The one major problem that I'm still stuck on is, someone like you or myself is being killed by another human being as I type this. That ladies and gentlemen is called genocide.

Let me say, I am not stupid by any sense of the imagination. Quite the contrary, my intellect is actually great for a person my age. I'm fully aware that everyday someone dies. At one point in everyones lives, they will die. It's a natural part of the "Circle of Life" (Lion King reference if anyone caught that!). But, I had no idea that mass genocide was still happening in the modern day world. Sure, I've heard about genocide happening from a couple of years ago and from decades ago as well; but subconsciously I thought that all those problems were solved already. I was wrong, EPIC wrongness.

With that being said, I knew very little about what happened in Rwanda (I was only two) and what is happening in Darfur right now. To say that I had an idea would be an understatement that I am not particularly proud to make. What really got me was what is happening in Northern Uganda and Congo right now. Children are being abducted from their beds and their homes and forced to become child soldiers. People my age, seventeen, have done terrible things against their will. Things that I couldn't even fathom in my wildest nightmares.

This all started Easter sunday morning, I was completely sleep deprived (I blame fanfiction and my unusual sleeping habits, given the fact that I was on Spring Break for the whole previous week). My eyes were sore from reading a long fanfiction, I decided to quickly go on the HPA "Common Room" on the ning social network before finally going to bed (c. 6am). Never thinking for one measly second, that one blog by a college girl in the UK would change my life forever.

Having recently become more heavily involved in the HPA, I naturally started friending people on the ning. I friended so many people at this point that I couldn't tell people apart who they were and what they did something around the site (that got updated minutely). This girl Lizzy posted a blog titled: "Calling Harry Potter to the Rescue". Of course having those words formed in such a way I decided: "Oh what the hell, I'll just give it a quick read, and comment on it. Then I'm off to bed." Lizzy changed my whole life, and I sincerely mean that. I read about the horrors she described in her blog post, and what is happening on April 25th, 2009. A rally to free those children that have been abducted by "abducting yourself".

Now, I won't go into details here (maybe next blog post) but after having read her blog post, I immediately went the website she provided kindly (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/). Then I continued on to read about the organization, its past projects, their mission and finally I watched the documentary the three young film-makers who run Invisible Children made. And I was pulled in willingly. I cried, I smiled and I even got so frustrated and angry that I had to put the video on pause and calm myself down. After watching the documentary and knowing enough about Invisible Children, I didn't hesitate to blog about it on the HPA ning.

Within a day or two, someone by the username of Shillelagh82 commented my blog (after Lizzy of course) and asked if she could post my blog on the site. Of course, I said yes, and for her to completely go for it, to spread the awareness of the cause! What I didn't realize was that she was posting it on the MAIN SITE. You can just guess my shell shocked demeanor when I opened up HPA to see my blog as the first headline of news. I was all smiles the rest of the day! The feed back I got from other HPA members was incredible. I expected to people to start catching on after having me bombard them with event invites, comments and discussion topics. I was floored, people are so inspirational sometimes! It's amazing!

My solution to my confession, I'm going to do pour my energies into more important and pressing matters instead of trivial things. I WILL NOT give up on these kids without a damn good fight!

I must go, I've been writing this for what seems like forever!

TTFN!

New

2009-04-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

Hello! If you haven't already figured it out, I'm Angelia. I've been blogging for a couple of years now, nothing new with that. I had a LJ account, but it was "blocking my creative flow". For me at least it was. You can read my "In Case You Were Wondering" description, and that'll give you an idea about me. Some other vaitail information about me: I'm a proud Harry Potter and Twilight fan. Who would've thought someone could be obsessed with both! I'm a heavy sarcastic, see sentence before this one if you don't believe me.

Currently, I'm an activist. I suppose I always have been, but as of recently I'm really getting into the whole "saving the world" bit. It's actually quite rewarding in more ways than one. Being that, for me at least, it give me a sense of fulfillment and purpose. With that being said, I'm also a proud member of the Harry Potter Alliance (www.thehpalliance.org); which gives Harry Potter activists an outlet to use their knowledge from the books (and movies) and use it for something more... meaningful I guess you can say. We're fighting all evil around the world, one Voldemort at a time!

Along with being a Harry Potter and Twilight fangirl, I read like nobody's business. Quite literally, I always have a book on me. And if you see me, I'll more than likely be reading. I'm also an aspiring writer, hoping to get a few books published that I've been working so deligently on. As I type (and you read) this blog, I'm about almost half way through with my first work of outstanding literature! Albeit, I honestly didn't think writing a book would be as difficult as it's proven t0 be. But it's going much better than I would have expected it to.

I'm always in deep thought about something, whether it be trivial or not. Obviously stated from the titled of my blog: I am a teenage. Seventeen to be exact, so that'd mean that I'd be "of age" in the Potterverse! How exciting! When working on a project of sorts that I strongly believe in, I pour my heart and soul into it. Being the very determined person I am, once I set my mind to something, I always try to follow through with it to the best of my ability.

Sorry to stop so abruptly, I've go to get ready for school. This, along with fanfiction, being the main reasons for my sleep deprivation.

TTFN!