My confession today, I lack self-esteem and confidence. I'm always doubting myself and my beliefs for some reason, and to be honest, I really don't even know why. For some reason or another I just have so much self-doubt and self conscious tendencies, that I'm missing out on life and I'm not truly "living" like I know I should be.
I've been trying to figure this out for a while now, the reasons why I have these unnecessary doubts and feelings. But my progress so far, hasn't been what I hoped it would be. However, I have narrowed it down to one probable conclusion. And even though it'll sound like an excuse, I hope dear readers, that you don't mistake it as one.
So maybe the reason that I have so much self-doubt and lack of confidence is the fact that, I've never received the love that almost every other girl gets from her father. I know it might seem a bit far fetched, and it may even seem illogical, but I can't but feel that it's true. My father is the only person in my life who I've sought for their approval constantly, whether consciously or subconsciously (and whether I like it or not).
I try to make it seem as though I really don't care about what my father thinks, but if I were honest with myself (which I usually try to be), then I would know that the statement above isn't exactly the truth. To explain why I seek his approval, wouldn't be the easiest or the best thing for me to explain. Maybe it's because, he's never showed me the love and compassion that most fathers show their daughters. Maybe it's because, I've been heavily criticized by him for a good portion of my abridged life. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been abused, mentally and emotionally battered, and brainwashed by him. Or maybe, just maybe, I want to believe that my father can change and be the man I want him to be (i.e- loving, caring, non-psychopathic person).
My father has brought me to the point where I feel emotionally crippled and unable to handle anything that comes my way (which, for the record, I can!). People'll say I have "Daddy Issues" and you know what, they're right. I do, so what? I try not to put the blame on him, because I want to show the world (even though I don't necessarily have to) that I don't need him, in any regard whatsoever. But I can't help but keep going back to him, as being the root of a good portion of my problems.
All I keep thinking is that if I had a better childhood, if I had a better father, then I wouldn't be the way I am today. I wouldn't necessarily have these intense self esteem issues (although I am getting better now). But I'm determined to use him as a crutch, as my supporting factor to the problems, hardships that I have to deal with every single day of my life. I'm determined to not rely on him, be like him in any sense whatsoever.
My solution to my confession, to have the self-confidence that I know that I own deep down. To never use my father and his lack of nurturing as an excuse to any of my problems. That includes past, present and future problems!
I will prevail, I will show him, and anyone who doubts me, that I can (and will) be anything that my hearts desires, and I will carry out everything that I do with confidence. I will radiate self-assurdness and there will be no signs of any lack of confidence. This begins now, until my last living day on this planet. Let's do this!
TTFN!
