Frustrated and Overwhelmed With Life

Disclaimer: The amount of sarcasm and cynicism in this post is alarming. Reader discretion is advised.

My life has been turned topsy turvy since my last entry. More so then originally before. Crazy isn't it? Tons of things are factors into this bout of chaos I'm experiencing lately. Such of them being: moving from a house to an apartment, getting my license, not having a car...still, falling in and out of all kinds of love, meeting people that have changed my life, LEAKYCON 2011, taking a massive break from the HPA, plans to get initiated next summer, etc. So much, and so little time to type it all out. Let's begin then.

My confession today is that I'm so immensely frustrated and overwhelmed with my life right now. I really don't know how to handle a number of things, let alone the things I need to accomplish before this year's end. There are times that I'm so lost, unable to even think in a productive way. And then there are other times, where I know exactly what I'm doing, without a doubt in my mind. Confusing, isn't it?

I feel so very conflicted. Not unusual for me, right? But it's getting worse, I can feel it. Being a Pisces doesn't help the situation either. Being that my symbol is two fish swimming to two completely different directions, ergo I'm very indecisive. Which I have to say, is very true. I'm becoming conflicted on just about everything lately, and that truly concerns me. The only thing I'm positive of these days is my dedication to Wicca and the feeling of magick growing inside me. But that bit is for a later paragraph, if not a completely different blog post. Right, back on track, I feel as though my mind is being split in half with most things. As in, half of me is in favor of something, and then the other half of me is against it. How the hell can anyone live like that? And how can anyone find a "happy medium" with such indecision in themselves?

Every time I want to sit down and blog, I just can't seem to bring myself to finishing a single post. Is writer's block controlling me once more? It's odd though, because I keep this little black journal with me everywhere I go- and I write in constantly. Sure, I love the feel of pen and paper much more than typing. But sometimes, my poor left hand really needs a break from my gripping the pen to tightly, when I'm writing obviously. I feel so awkward typing right now. I'm probably making no sense at all. I wouldn't be very surprised. I'm not used to typing anymore, I'm hardly ever on my laptop. Two big reasons for that is: (a) my battery is deciding to die on me and it only works when plugged into a power source, and (b) my college's tech support seems to have a vendetta against me, and won't allow my laptop internet services. Overall, this doesn't make for a very happy Angelia.

In other news, I finallyfinallyfinally got my license! WOOOOOOOOO! Which is great isn't it? Yeah, but I don't have a car and can't really afford the insurance for one at the moment. So really, it was absolutely lovely that I finally got my license, but what was the point? A little bit of plastic saying that by decree of the United States government, I'm a-okay to drive. Yeah. Lovely. Which the said bit of plastic, still has yet to arrive in my new mailbox. I passed on the 9th of September...I'm really wondering if they sent it to a different address (I changed right after I passed!). So being that I don't have money for a car or insurance, I have to take two buses to my colleges. I try to bum rides off of people, honestly, because taking two buses somedays are vastly annoying. I try to shrug it off as it "gives me time to think" but really, I hate it. Mostly because it's two buses. If it was one that goes straight to the college, I'd kick back and chill for an hour or so. But it's not. Again, lovely.

I think I'll definitely do a separate post about LeakyCon 2011. There was just waywayway too much awesome for me to even start talking about!

Since my last post, I've fallen in and out of all kinds of love. I'm a very firm believer in that there's a lot of different kinds of love, especially when romantic relationships are considered. It's not just this one feeling of "being whole", feeling as though you're about to burst with love, you can't stop thinking about the person to the point of obsession, etc. I believe that these different kinds of love happen and depend on our moods at the time. For example, if you're really looking to be loved by someone and you're actively trying to fall in love on purpose but you say "by accident"- then you're obviously going to be semi-obsessed and have very deep-rooted feelings for this person. Because you're investing so much into this. I'm very guilty of this, maybe not right now, but I have definitely done this before! So you're not alone! My opinion on "love" is that it can happen at literally anytime. But the kind of love, all depends on you. Some, like my mom, say that you'll find real and true love when you least expect it. When you're completely okay with everything in your life, when you're completely okay with yourself. I really wonder if this is true, you know? I wonder if it's really like that, or if we just like to think it is.

Not surprisingly, I believe in soul-mates. My mom and her boyfriend are a proven fact of that. Never have I seen two people who were more perfect for each other....well, besides my maternal grandparents of course. My mom had to go through a disgustingly abused first marriage (add four kids under the age of 21 into this) and another abusive (finanically this time, but not much better) marriage just to get to her boyfriend now. Honestly, as adorable as their story is, I don't want to go through that. I don't want to have to go through all that hurt and abuse, just so I can finally have my soul mate. It doesn't seem justified to me at all. Sometimes, I think finding my soul mate isn't even worth it. Everyone wants to think that the person they are with is their soul mate, but how do you really know? Does an AHA! moment just sneak up on you one day? Do you just know from the moment you see this person? I really don't understand this concept, and yet I still believe it in. Maybe more so for other people, and not so much so for myself.

The concept of marriage is along the same lines. When is a good time to get married? To have kids? Most people say after you've really "lived" your life, but how the hell do you determine that? You're going to be living your life every damn day that you're alive! Do they really mean "when you get past your wild phase"? Because no matter what, you're going to have temptation all around you, throughout your entire life. So would it really make a difference if you got married at 20, rather than 30? I want to believe that it doesn't matter. That if you're truly and deeply in love, then go for it! Start your life with that person, who am I to say any differently? But I don't know. I feel like getting married is great and something I've always wanted to do (one day. not now!) but will it ever happen? If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be for life. I really wouldn't want to put my kids through a divorce. Unless, there were abusive factors that came into play. Then I'm out, my kids included. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get married. It just seems to iffy to me, too idealistic. Weird.

Now that that tangent is over, let's wrap this shit up.

My solution to my confession is, to take deep breaths. One time at a damn time, otherwise the feeling of being overwhelmed is just going to keep growing into this untamable monster. And I really don't need to fight a monster right now. Also, I really should deal with everything. Take it like the woman my mother raised me to be. I need to stop bitching and get over myself, moreover.

Loss of Creativity, Tangents and Confusion

Disclaimer: This is long overdue.

Sometimes I wonder if it's at all possible to completely lose all of your creativity and passion. Is it really within the realms of possibility that you can just "misplace" such a valuable part of your soul? How does this even happen? Why does this happen? And you know what boggles my mind? It's when we need this sense of originality and spirit the most, it's seemingly lost in the depths of our unconscious.

My confession today is that I fear that I lost my creativity, my passion and my muse that produces these wonderful things. And I feel so naked, lost and alone without it. I feel raw and powerless with this flow of energy coursing through my veins.

So lately I've been trying to get myself back into writing, because it feels like forever since I've written anything that's thought provoking and profound. But for some reason I can't seem to grasp onto the sense of inspiration that I once had. I feel so mundane, it's actually really disheartening. It's seems as though ever since I started dating my last boyfriend, my enthusiasm to write just slowly started to dissipate. And that's not to say that he "sapped" my creative energy and muses, because truthfully, I don't know if he did or not. I've just been feeling so disoriented. And a massive part of me thinks that it's because I've "lost" my medium, my one crutch that held onto so tightly when I was severely depressed. It basically feels like my left arm was cut off...and, my dear readers, that's the arm (er..hand?) I write with!

The lack of fulfillment is really beginning to take it's toll on me. You might be thinking to yourself: 'Pshh, please Angelia, you're writing is perfectly up to par now. Stop complaining you wus." Yeah well a little to-be-now-known fact about this blog post: it was supposed to be posted about a little over two months ago. That was around Octoberish...it's December now. Yeah, it's taken me that long to finish this. It's not as if I've been working day and night on this blog post either, quite the contrary actually, I've been busying myself with school, work and trying to cope well with the bodyslams that life has been giving me this semester.

I just realized that last sentence might've sounded a bit like I'm searching for pity, but let me be straight with you, dear reader, I'm not. I'm sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my depressive symptoms and making it seem as if my life is a shit hole. Because in all honesty, it's really not, compared to some other people at least. I mean, sure, we all go through those times were we need empathic listeners, and we need to vent out our frustrations on the life and life in general. To which, I'm absolutely no exception to this rule. In fact, that's why I started blogging in the first place: to just vent, get it all out before I spontaneously combusted or something. But as I'm rereading my posts, going through my older blogs on another site and seeing how much I've grown not just as a writer, but as a person, I feel the need to just assure you all of my self-confidence and my strict "no-fly-zone" in the pity department. Meaning, I don't want pity, I just want to make a difference in some way, let people know that they aren't alone like most think they are.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a tangent. Yep, happens all the time. Anyway, back to writing and me feeling as though I'm losing my creativity. Right then, back on the bandwagon.

Considering the fact that I just ended one of my "big" finals of the semester and I'm now writing again, makes me think that school might be the culprit at hand here. What a decent amount of people don't understand is that college, no matter where you are, is extremely stressful and draining. Most people think it's down to the Science of Time Management, but I'm starting to believe that's only a piece of the puzzle. I've been feeling as though my creative energy has been sapped for a while now, and I never really thought it was because of being stressed out. Which is quite odd because that's usually one of the first things people think of when they're in a situation like this, but usually, I work pretty well under pressure. Particularly when I'm stressed, passionate, or my emotions are running high, is when I produce good writing. Maybe I'm changing, maybe my habits and norms aren't what they used to be. And you know what?

This fact actually is scaring me. I honestly don't really have a solution to my confession, being that this is the first time in months that I'm effortlessly popping out a blog. Throughout writing this I've come to some unlikely conclusions for myself and my alleged "Loss of Creativity." And to be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to sum up everything and find a solution at the moment.

Maybe it's best to just sit on this new-found discovery for a few days, and see if my effortless writing lasts. If there's one thing I've learned from not being able to writing anything worth reading, that includes journal entries and blog posts, then maybe I shouldn't rush these things. Maybe I should just relax and take it for what it is.

Grief and Guilt.

It's it insane that you don't know what you truly had until you lost it? That you take things for granted so easily and you don't cherish the moments that you have with a person until they're gone forever. So now you're thinking "Gee, maybe I should've really paid attention and savored every moment I had with them. But I didn't. I fail at life." That's a pretty blunt version, I'll admit; but regardless, you feel inexplicably guilty and remorseful. Believe me, I know this all too well at the moment.

My confession today is that I'm consumed with grief and guilt. And I don't really know how to function all that well right now.

On Tuesday August 25th, 2010, Kristin Green passed away in a car accident. For those of you that don't know, I was extremely close to her, her brother Sean and their family for years. And I regrettably say that in the past recent years, I haven't kept in touch with the Green family. Sean and I were the best of friends towards the end of eighth grade, during ninth and tenth grade. We were almost inseparable. And along with being best friends with him, I became extremely close with his family. They were basically my second family and I was considered their "adopted daughter" during the time that me and Sean were friends. Some of the best times of my life was with the Green family, and I know that I will never ever forget those moments I shared with them.

To hear the Kristin is no longer with us, it really breaks my heart into two. And I'm not just saying that. I was so extremely shocked by her death that I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm consumed by grief and guilt. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to over come these feelings; and I'll just be devored by this aura of negativity. But I know that I can't think that way, because Kristin really wouldn't want me to. And I know everyone says things like that when someone they know passes away, and sometimes they don't even know how that person would feel, or what they would want, or what they would say. Some people just say things like that to make others feel better, less grief-ridden. And that's okay because sometimes that needs to happen in order for people to move on. But you didn't know Kristin. She really wouldn't have wanted anyone to feel grief-ridden or guilty. She was a brilliant person, so full of life and happiness. And I'm not just saying that because she truly was just like that.

Dealing with these emotions are exceedingly difficult and tiring. But sometimes in life we have to deal with things that aren't ideal. Sometimes we have to be strong for others, or maybe we have to be strong for ourselves. Sometimes we shed tears just to let everything out, sometimes we scream and curse the world for doing this to us. But no matter how you deal with grief and guilt, you will move on. You will embrace the spirit of the one you've lost, you will look back on the amazing times you've shared. You will be happy again. You just have to take one day at a time.

My solution to my confession, is to live. I'm making a vow to not live my life ridden with angst and grief, instead, I'm going to move on (albeit not easily). I'm going to embrace every day as if it were my last, or at least I'm really going to try. I don't want to take advantage of the things I've been granted, not anymore.

Growing Up

Have you ever experience that point in your life when you know that you're not a kid anymore? When you've been completely subjected to the ideals of adulthood? It seems like one day you're playing Super Mario Brother's with your older brothers and then...BAM! Adulthood and maturity smacks you right in the face. This, my lovely readers is called, growing up. And yours truly is currently experiencing it. Lovely.

My confession today is, I'm growing up right before my very own eyes. And you know what readers? I'm so petrified that I'm basically freaking the out everyday, all joking aside.

In a physical aspect, I'm just about done growing. However, my mind and everything I've ever known and have believed keeps on expanding. My maturity level is through the freaking roof on most days, but I still have that little five year old stuck inside my soul. It's, for lack of a better word, scary. Don't get me wrong, I'm so ecstatic that I'm finally taking this massive step in my life! But at the same time, I can feel myself changing. And if you haven't guessed by now, I don't like changing myself all that much.

I've found that I much more reserved now, it's such on odd concept to grasp, but it's true. I'm no longer the girl who said anything and everything that's on her mind in every given second of the day. I just watch now, mostly. Observing the situation before I have to decide what side I am on. To contradict this statement, I still tell it like it is and I'm still completely honest with people. I've come to the unprofessional conclusion that I'm picking my battles wisely, just as my Mom taught me. I've taking others' feelings into account, rather than being insensitive. Mind you, that was a completely unprofessional statement.

You know what an unnerving part of growing up is? Finding out that your needs are changing. Imagine you're in a (romantic) relationship, and one month you're so intensely in love, so much that you can hardly imagine your life without that other person. And them it seems like all of a sudden, all those feelings disappear. The love is still present, but now it's warped and changed. The feelings you once had, the lovey dovey kind, have now morphed into pure and genuine caring. Kind of you would feel for a best friend or a family member. So what the hell do you do now? You are left with someone who you know is in love with you, but the thing is, you're not anymore. It can be so completely frustrating because you love this person so much that you wouldn't do anything to harm them, but the reality is that hurting them is inevitable. And it kills you inside every time they say "I love you" because they mean it in a way that you don't feel anymore. Because even when you say it back, it's not the same and you know it. Now all of this is on your shoulders, and you don't know how in the hell to stop you feelings from changing and making it go to the way to once was. Incredibly frustrating right? You have no idea until you're actually in this situation.

Despite all of the stress and frustration that comes with growing up, I'm kind of excited that it's happening. I dunno you have noticed by now, but I'm far beyond my years. I've always felt that in a way I was more mature compared to other teenagers, so it feels like I've been waiting for this opportunity for a lifetime. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure that I want to do this anymore. I know that I have to though, there's no going around it.

My solution to my confession, is to do nothing. Because honestly, there is nothing you can do about growing up. You just have to let it happen, and whatever you endure during this will make you the person that you're meant to be. And I dunno if I want to mess with the Fates like that. If it's meant to be then it shall.

TTFN!

Self-Esteem, Beliefs and Lack of Confidence

Everybody goes through a period of time where they lack confidence and have low self-esteem, right? Let's take a deeper looking though: why is do people doubt themselves? Why in the hell do people lack confidence and struggle with self-esteem issues? Why?! Why don't we all just except who we are, as human beings? Why is there a constant need to doubt ourselves, our beliefs and our abilities? All I want to know is why this has become some sort of Rite of Passage that everyone must go through, in order to grow up.



My confession today, I lack self-esteem and confidence. I'm always doubting myself and my beliefs for some reason, and to be honest, I really don't even know why. For some reason or another I just have so much self-doubt and self conscious tendencies, that I'm missing out on life and I'm not truly "living" like I know I should be.

I've been trying to figure this out for a while now, the reasons why I have these unnecessary doubts and feelings. But my progress so far, hasn't been what I hoped it would be. However, I have narrowed it down to one probable conclusion. And even though it'll sound like an excuse, I hope dear readers, that you don't mistake it as one.

So maybe the reason that I have so much self-doubt and lack of confidence is the fact that, I've never received the love that almost every other girl gets from her father. I know it might seem a bit far fetched, and it may even seem illogical, but I can't but feel that it's true. My father is the only person in my life who I've sought for their approval constantly, whether consciously or subconsciously (and whether I like it or not).

I try to make it seem as though I really don't care about what my father thinks, but if I were honest with myself (which I usually try to be), then I would know that the statement above isn't exactly the truth. To explain why I seek his approval, wouldn't be the easiest or the best thing for me to explain. Maybe it's because, he's never showed me the love and compassion that most fathers show their daughters. Maybe it's because, I've been heavily criticized by him for a good portion of my abridged life. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been abused, mentally and emotionally battered, and brainwashed by him. Or maybe, just maybe, I want to believe that my father can change and be the man I want him to be (i.e- loving, caring, non-psychopathic person).


My father has brought me to the point where I feel emotionally crippled and unable to handle anything that comes my way (which, for the record, I can!). People'll say I have "Daddy Issues" and you know what, they're right. I do, so what? I try not to put the blame on him, because I want to show the world (even though I don't necessarily have to) that I don't need him, in any regard whatsoever. But I can't help but keep going back to him, as being the root of a good portion of my problems.

All I keep thinking is that if I had a better childhood, if I had a better father, then I wouldn't be the way I am today. I wouldn't necessarily have these intense self esteem issues (although I am getting better now). But I'm determined to use him as a crutch, as my supporting factor to the problems, hardships that I have to deal with every single day of my life. I'm determined to not rely on him, be like him in any sense whatsoever.

My solution to my confession, to have the self-confidence that I know that I own deep down. To never use my father and his lack of nurturing as an excuse to any of my problems. That includes past, present and future problems!

I will prevail, I will show him, and anyone who doubts me, that I can (and will) be anything that my hearts desires, and I will carry out everything that I do with confidence. I will radiate self-assurdness and there will be no signs of any lack of confidence. This begins now, until my last living day on this planet. Let's do this!

TTFN!

Loss of Sight and Shame

I lost it. I'm completely ashamed to say so too. I lost my slight (figuratively). I know this might be vague now, but not to worry, I'll be explaining soon enough, I promise. Back on topic: I feel distraught, embarrassed and shamed. The reason? Get ready.


My confession today, I lost my sight with advocating for Invisible Children. To help those child soliders that people keep on forgetting, the same children I forgot. I feel beyond ashamed, even though some tell me I shouldn't. But no matter what they say, I keep feeling as though I let those children down in some way.


I know that this may seem a bit illogical, but it's honestly what I'm feeling. I feel as though I failed these kids in some way. That I've just did The Rescue and, for lack of a better word, forgot about them after that. I've been mondo busy with my life going topsy turvy as of late, but that's no excuse. I want to be there for these kids in some way, I need to be there for them. Because I don't want them feeling like I did, when I didn't exactly have someone.


This'll be a short blog (for me at least), I have a lot of things I must share with you, my dear readers. I need to get into the swing of things, I need to find my passions again. I need to find the things that drove me to live everyday and fight for what I believe in. I've lost my sight on my hopes, dreams, goals and morals. And now it's time to find my lost sight, to hold on and fight for everything I believe is true and right. And I'll be starting with once again heavily advocating for Invisible Children. There's no way in hell I'm gonna lose my passion again, especially considering the fact it was something I held so near and dear to my heart.


My solution to my confession, to stop not believing in myself. I know who I am, so why do I doubt myself so much? I tell people to embrace their traits everyday, and yet I can't do the same. Well that ends now!


Get ready (again) world, I'm back and better than ever!


TTFN!

Never Ending.

Okay so first of all, this isn't exactly a "confession" blog today. It's more of a "I need to vent now or I'm gonna explode" type of blog. Well, dearest readers, get ready for a huge onslaught of frustration, anger and disappointment. Ready...Set...Commence!


Today, this blog will be focusing on the ongoing and never ending conflict in Northern Uganda and Congo. Yes, readers, I'm once again talking about Invisible Children. The child soldiers forced to live a life of unnecessary violence, madness and terror.


As all of you may know, I'm extremely passionate about this particular epidemic. And to be completely honest (as I always try to be), I'm not exactly sure where this intense passion comes from. I mean, these are children that I'll never be meeting in my life. Children who don't know my name, age, nothing; and I'm not in knowledge of theirs either. And yet...I feel as though I'm connected to them in some sort of way. It's almost as if they're apart of my extended family, a family I won't ever get to see, know or meet.


It frustrates me to no end that useless violence and terror is happening in this day and age. To hold children against their will, force them to commit unspeakable crimes...it's almost unfathomable to me. And maybe all of this anger, frustration and compassion comes from my background: living in terror every single day of my life, being petrified to stand up for myself and my family, living in such a horrible abusive home. And let me tell you something readers, I got the good end of the stick. My brothers and mother, goddess bless them, had it a helluva lot worse than I did. Maybe that's the root of my passion, or maybe it's not. But all I know is that this conflict needs to stop, now. Not in ten years when there's no life left on the precious earth that is Uganda and Congo, but now.


Here are a couple of statistics for you, I'm warning you now readers, that these will shock you. Mind you, this is only in Southern Sudan alone (to date). Ready? Yeah well, I wasn't either but here they are anyway:

• 167 abductions
• 188 deaths
• 68,000 displaced

Quoted from the Invisible Children website:

"Since, January 2009, LRA violence against innocent civilians has intensified across four countries, originating in Uganda, and extending into the Central African Republic (CAR), Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), and most recently, Sudan."

THIS.IS.MADDNESS! Why? Why do these innocent people have to be subjected to such terrible violence? Why do people have to die, injured and mutilated in order for others wanting to be heard? Why doesn't anyone, besides the activists fighting out there and those who actually care, want to give these innocent people any help?

I'll end this with asking you something: If you could do anything to help these people, would you? Personally, I would do everything in my power. I'd give almost anything to help these poor people (I'll explain that in my next blog). Just think about my question, okay? And any emails would be appreciated and directed towards: angelia@thehpalliance.org

TTFN!