My confession today is, I'm growing up right before my very own eyes. And you know what readers? I'm so petrified that I'm basically freaking the out everyday, all joking aside.
In a physical aspect, I'm just about done growing. However, my mind and everything I've ever known and have believed keeps on expanding. My maturity level is through the freaking roof on most days, but I still have that little five year old stuck inside my soul. It's, for lack of a better word, scary. Don't get me wrong, I'm so ecstatic that I'm finally taking this massive step in my life! But at the same time, I can feel myself changing. And if you haven't guessed by now, I don't like changing myself all that much.
I've found that I much more reserved now, it's such on odd concept to grasp, but it's true. I'm no longer the girl who said anything and everything that's on her mind in every given second of the day. I just watch now, mostly. Observing the situation before I have to decide what side I am on. To contradict this statement, I still tell it like it is and I'm still completely honest with people. I've come to the unprofessional conclusion that I'm picking my battles wisely, just as my Mom taught me. I've taking others' feelings into account, rather than being insensitive. Mind you, that was a completely unprofessional statement.
You know what an unnerving part of growing up is? Finding out that your needs are changing. Imagine you're in a (romantic) relationship, and one month you're so intensely in love, so much that you can hardly imagine your life without that other person. And them it seems like all of a sudden, all those feelings disappear. The love is still present, but now it's warped and changed. The feelings you once had, the lovey dovey kind, have now morphed into pure and genuine caring. Kind of you would feel for a best friend or a family member. So what the hell do you do now? You are left with someone who you know is in love with you, but the thing is, you're not anymore. It can be so completely frustrating because you love this person so much that you wouldn't do anything to harm them, but the reality is that hurting them is inevitable. And it kills you inside every time they say "I love you" because they mean it in a way that you don't feel anymore. Because even when you say it back, it's not the same and you know it. Now all of this is on your shoulders, and you don't know how in the hell to stop you feelings from changing and making it go to the way to once was. Incredibly frustrating right? You have no idea until you're actually in this situation.
Despite all of the stress and frustration that comes with growing up, I'm kind of excited that it's happening. I dunno you have noticed by now, but I'm far beyond my years. I've always felt that in a way I was more mature compared to other teenagers, so it feels like I've been waiting for this opportunity for a lifetime. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure that I want to do this anymore. I know that I have to though, there's no going around it.
My solution to my confession, is to do nothing. Because honestly, there is nothing you can do about growing up. You just have to let it happen, and whatever you endure during this will make you the person that you're meant to be. And I dunno if I want to mess with the Fates like that. If it's meant to be then it shall.
TTFN!
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