Grief and Guilt.

It's it insane that you don't know what you truly had until you lost it? That you take things for granted so easily and you don't cherish the moments that you have with a person until they're gone forever. So now you're thinking "Gee, maybe I should've really paid attention and savored every moment I had with them. But I didn't. I fail at life." That's a pretty blunt version, I'll admit; but regardless, you feel inexplicably guilty and remorseful. Believe me, I know this all too well at the moment.

My confession today is that I'm consumed with grief and guilt. And I don't really know how to function all that well right now.

On Tuesday August 25th, 2010, Kristin Green passed away in a car accident. For those of you that don't know, I was extremely close to her, her brother Sean and their family for years. And I regrettably say that in the past recent years, I haven't kept in touch with the Green family. Sean and I were the best of friends towards the end of eighth grade, during ninth and tenth grade. We were almost inseparable. And along with being best friends with him, I became extremely close with his family. They were basically my second family and I was considered their "adopted daughter" during the time that me and Sean were friends. Some of the best times of my life was with the Green family, and I know that I will never ever forget those moments I shared with them.

To hear the Kristin is no longer with us, it really breaks my heart into two. And I'm not just saying that. I was so extremely shocked by her death that I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm consumed by grief and guilt. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to over come these feelings; and I'll just be devored by this aura of negativity. But I know that I can't think that way, because Kristin really wouldn't want me to. And I know everyone says things like that when someone they know passes away, and sometimes they don't even know how that person would feel, or what they would want, or what they would say. Some people just say things like that to make others feel better, less grief-ridden. And that's okay because sometimes that needs to happen in order for people to move on. But you didn't know Kristin. She really wouldn't have wanted anyone to feel grief-ridden or guilty. She was a brilliant person, so full of life and happiness. And I'm not just saying that because she truly was just like that.

Dealing with these emotions are exceedingly difficult and tiring. But sometimes in life we have to deal with things that aren't ideal. Sometimes we have to be strong for others, or maybe we have to be strong for ourselves. Sometimes we shed tears just to let everything out, sometimes we scream and curse the world for doing this to us. But no matter how you deal with grief and guilt, you will move on. You will embrace the spirit of the one you've lost, you will look back on the amazing times you've shared. You will be happy again. You just have to take one day at a time.

My solution to my confession, is to live. I'm making a vow to not live my life ridden with angst and grief, instead, I'm going to move on (albeit not easily). I'm going to embrace every day as if it were my last, or at least I'm really going to try. I don't want to take advantage of the things I've been granted, not anymore.