Disclaimer: The amount of sarcasm and cynicism in this post is alarming. Reader discretion is advised.
My confession today is that I'm so immensely frustrated and overwhelmed with my life right now. I really don't know how to handle a number of things, let alone the things I need to accomplish before this year's end. There are times that I'm so lost, unable to even think in a productive way. And then there are other times, where I know exactly what I'm doing, without a doubt in my mind. Confusing, isn't it?
I feel so very conflicted. Not unusual for me, right? But it's getting worse, I can feel it. Being a Pisces doesn't help the situation either. Being that my symbol is two fish swimming to two completely different directions, ergo I'm very indecisive. Which I have to say, is very true. I'm becoming conflicted on just about everything lately, and that truly concerns me. The only thing I'm positive of these days is my dedication to Wicca and the feeling of magick growing inside me. But that bit is for a later paragraph, if not a completely different blog post. Right, back on track, I feel as though my mind is being split in half with most things. As in, half of me is in favor of something, and then the other half of me is against it. How the hell can anyone live like that? And how can anyone find a "happy medium" with such indecision in themselves?
Every time I want to sit down and blog, I just can't seem to bring myself to finishing a single post. Is writer's block controlling me once more? It's odd though, because I keep this little black journal with me everywhere I go- and I write in constantly. Sure, I love the feel of pen and paper much more than typing. But sometimes, my poor left hand really needs a break from my gripping the pen to tightly, when I'm writing obviously. I feel so awkward typing right now. I'm probably making no sense at all. I wouldn't be very surprised. I'm not used to typing anymore, I'm hardly ever on my laptop. Two big reasons for that is: (a) my battery is deciding to die on me and it only works when plugged into a power source, and (b) my college's tech support seems to have a vendetta against me, and won't allow my laptop internet services. Overall, this doesn't make for a very happy Angelia.
In other news, I finallyfinallyfinally got my license! WOOOOOOOOO! Which is great isn't it? Yeah, but I don't have a car and can't really afford the insurance for one at the moment. So really, it was absolutely lovely that I finally got my license, but what was the point? A little bit of plastic saying that by decree of the United States government, I'm a-okay to drive. Yeah. Lovely. Which the said bit of plastic, still has yet to arrive in my new mailbox. I passed on the 9th of September...I'm really wondering if they sent it to a different address (I changed right after I passed!). So being that I don't have money for a car or insurance, I have to take two buses to my colleges. I try to bum rides off of people, honestly, because taking two buses somedays are vastly annoying. I try to shrug it off as it "gives me time to think" but really, I hate it. Mostly because it's two buses. If it was one that goes straight to the college, I'd kick back and chill for an hour or so. But it's not. Again, lovely.
I think I'll definitely do a separate post about LeakyCon 2011. There was just waywayway too much awesome for me to even start talking about!
Since my last post, I've fallen in and out of all kinds of love. I'm a very firm believer in that there's a lot of different kinds of love, especially when romantic relationships are considered. It's not just this one feeling of "being whole", feeling as though you're about to burst with love, you can't stop thinking about the person to the point of obsession, etc. I believe that these different kinds of love happen and depend on our moods at the time. For example, if you're really looking to be loved by someone and you're actively trying to fall in love on purpose but you say "by accident"- then you're obviously going to be semi-obsessed and have very deep-rooted feelings for this person. Because you're investing so much into this. I'm very guilty of this, maybe not right now, but I have definitely done this before! So you're not alone! My opinion on "love" is that it can happen at literally anytime. But the kind of love, all depends on you. Some, like my mom, say that you'll find real and true love when you least expect it. When you're completely okay with everything in your life, when you're completely okay with yourself. I really wonder if this is true, you know? I wonder if it's really like that, or if we just like to think it is.
Not surprisingly, I believe in soul-mates. My mom and her boyfriend are a proven fact of that. Never have I seen two people who were more perfect for each other....well, besides my maternal grandparents of course. My mom had to go through a disgustingly abused first marriage (add four kids under the age of 21 into this) and another abusive (finanically this time, but not much better) marriage just to get to her boyfriend now. Honestly, as adorable as their story is, I don't want to go through that. I don't want to have to go through all that hurt and abuse, just so I can finally have my soul mate. It doesn't seem justified to me at all. Sometimes, I think finding my soul mate isn't even worth it. Everyone wants to think that the person they are with is their soul mate, but how do you really know? Does an AHA! moment just sneak up on you one day? Do you just know from the moment you see this person? I really don't understand this concept, and yet I still believe it in. Maybe more so for other people, and not so much so for myself.
The concept of marriage is along the same lines. When is a good time to get married? To have kids? Most people say after you've really "lived" your life, but how the hell do you determine that? You're going to be living your life every damn day that you're alive! Do they really mean "when you get past your wild phase"? Because no matter what, you're going to have temptation all around you, throughout your entire life. So would it really make a difference if you got married at 20, rather than 30? I want to believe that it doesn't matter. That if you're truly and deeply in love, then go for it! Start your life with that person, who am I to say any differently? But I don't know. I feel like getting married is great and something I've always wanted to do (one day. not now!) but will it ever happen? If I'm going to marry someone, it's going to be for life. I really wouldn't want to put my kids through a divorce. Unless, there were abusive factors that came into play. Then I'm out, my kids included. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever get married. It just seems to iffy to me, too idealistic. Weird.
Now that that tangent is over, let's wrap this shit up.
My solution to my confession is, to take deep breaths. One time at a damn time, otherwise the feeling of being overwhelmed is just going to keep growing into this untamable monster. And I really don't need to fight a monster right now. Also, I really should deal with everything. Take it like the woman my mother raised me to be. I need to stop bitching and get over myself, moreover.
