Loss of Creativity, Tangents and Confusion

Disclaimer: This is long overdue.

Sometimes I wonder if it's at all possible to completely lose all of your creativity and passion. Is it really within the realms of possibility that you can just "misplace" such a valuable part of your soul? How does this even happen? Why does this happen? And you know what boggles my mind? It's when we need this sense of originality and spirit the most, it's seemingly lost in the depths of our unconscious.

My confession today is that I fear that I lost my creativity, my passion and my muse that produces these wonderful things. And I feel so naked, lost and alone without it. I feel raw and powerless with this flow of energy coursing through my veins.

So lately I've been trying to get myself back into writing, because it feels like forever since I've written anything that's thought provoking and profound. But for some reason I can't seem to grasp onto the sense of inspiration that I once had. I feel so mundane, it's actually really disheartening. It's seems as though ever since I started dating my last boyfriend, my enthusiasm to write just slowly started to dissipate. And that's not to say that he "sapped" my creative energy and muses, because truthfully, I don't know if he did or not. I've just been feeling so disoriented. And a massive part of me thinks that it's because I've "lost" my medium, my one crutch that held onto so tightly when I was severely depressed. It basically feels like my left arm was cut off...and, my dear readers, that's the arm (er..hand?) I write with!

The lack of fulfillment is really beginning to take it's toll on me. You might be thinking to yourself: 'Pshh, please Angelia, you're writing is perfectly up to par now. Stop complaining you wus." Yeah well a little to-be-now-known fact about this blog post: it was supposed to be posted about a little over two months ago. That was around Octoberish...it's December now. Yeah, it's taken me that long to finish this. It's not as if I've been working day and night on this blog post either, quite the contrary actually, I've been busying myself with school, work and trying to cope well with the bodyslams that life has been giving me this semester.

I just realized that last sentence might've sounded a bit like I'm searching for pity, but let me be straight with you, dear reader, I'm not. I'm sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my depressive symptoms and making it seem as if my life is a shit hole. Because in all honesty, it's really not, compared to some other people at least. I mean, sure, we all go through those times were we need empathic listeners, and we need to vent out our frustrations on the life and life in general. To which, I'm absolutely no exception to this rule. In fact, that's why I started blogging in the first place: to just vent, get it all out before I spontaneously combusted or something. But as I'm rereading my posts, going through my older blogs on another site and seeing how much I've grown not just as a writer, but as a person, I feel the need to just assure you all of my self-confidence and my strict "no-fly-zone" in the pity department. Meaning, I don't want pity, I just want to make a difference in some way, let people know that they aren't alone like most think they are.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a tangent. Yep, happens all the time. Anyway, back to writing and me feeling as though I'm losing my creativity. Right then, back on the bandwagon.

Considering the fact that I just ended one of my "big" finals of the semester and I'm now writing again, makes me think that school might be the culprit at hand here. What a decent amount of people don't understand is that college, no matter where you are, is extremely stressful and draining. Most people think it's down to the Science of Time Management, but I'm starting to believe that's only a piece of the puzzle. I've been feeling as though my creative energy has been sapped for a while now, and I never really thought it was because of being stressed out. Which is quite odd because that's usually one of the first things people think of when they're in a situation like this, but usually, I work pretty well under pressure. Particularly when I'm stressed, passionate, or my emotions are running high, is when I produce good writing. Maybe I'm changing, maybe my habits and norms aren't what they used to be. And you know what?

This fact actually is scaring me. I honestly don't really have a solution to my confession, being that this is the first time in months that I'm effortlessly popping out a blog. Throughout writing this I've come to some unlikely conclusions for myself and my alleged "Loss of Creativity." And to be perfectly honest, I don't really know how to sum up everything and find a solution at the moment.

Maybe it's best to just sit on this new-found discovery for a few days, and see if my effortless writing lasts. If there's one thing I've learned from not being able to writing anything worth reading, that includes journal entries and blog posts, then maybe I shouldn't rush these things. Maybe I should just relax and take it for what it is.

Grief and Guilt.

It's it insane that you don't know what you truly had until you lost it? That you take things for granted so easily and you don't cherish the moments that you have with a person until they're gone forever. So now you're thinking "Gee, maybe I should've really paid attention and savored every moment I had with them. But I didn't. I fail at life." That's a pretty blunt version, I'll admit; but regardless, you feel inexplicably guilty and remorseful. Believe me, I know this all too well at the moment.

My confession today is that I'm consumed with grief and guilt. And I don't really know how to function all that well right now.

On Tuesday August 25th, 2010, Kristin Green passed away in a car accident. For those of you that don't know, I was extremely close to her, her brother Sean and their family for years. And I regrettably say that in the past recent years, I haven't kept in touch with the Green family. Sean and I were the best of friends towards the end of eighth grade, during ninth and tenth grade. We were almost inseparable. And along with being best friends with him, I became extremely close with his family. They were basically my second family and I was considered their "adopted daughter" during the time that me and Sean were friends. Some of the best times of my life was with the Green family, and I know that I will never ever forget those moments I shared with them.

To hear the Kristin is no longer with us, it really breaks my heart into two. And I'm not just saying that. I was so extremely shocked by her death that I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm consumed by grief and guilt. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to over come these feelings; and I'll just be devored by this aura of negativity. But I know that I can't think that way, because Kristin really wouldn't want me to. And I know everyone says things like that when someone they know passes away, and sometimes they don't even know how that person would feel, or what they would want, or what they would say. Some people just say things like that to make others feel better, less grief-ridden. And that's okay because sometimes that needs to happen in order for people to move on. But you didn't know Kristin. She really wouldn't have wanted anyone to feel grief-ridden or guilty. She was a brilliant person, so full of life and happiness. And I'm not just saying that because she truly was just like that.

Dealing with these emotions are exceedingly difficult and tiring. But sometimes in life we have to deal with things that aren't ideal. Sometimes we have to be strong for others, or maybe we have to be strong for ourselves. Sometimes we shed tears just to let everything out, sometimes we scream and curse the world for doing this to us. But no matter how you deal with grief and guilt, you will move on. You will embrace the spirit of the one you've lost, you will look back on the amazing times you've shared. You will be happy again. You just have to take one day at a time.

My solution to my confession, is to live. I'm making a vow to not live my life ridden with angst and grief, instead, I'm going to move on (albeit not easily). I'm going to embrace every day as if it were my last, or at least I'm really going to try. I don't want to take advantage of the things I've been granted, not anymore.

Growing Up

Have you ever experience that point in your life when you know that you're not a kid anymore? When you've been completely subjected to the ideals of adulthood? It seems like one day you're playing Super Mario Brother's with your older brothers and then...BAM! Adulthood and maturity smacks you right in the face. This, my lovely readers is called, growing up. And yours truly is currently experiencing it. Lovely.

My confession today is, I'm growing up right before my very own eyes. And you know what readers? I'm so petrified that I'm basically freaking the out everyday, all joking aside.

In a physical aspect, I'm just about done growing. However, my mind and everything I've ever known and have believed keeps on expanding. My maturity level is through the freaking roof on most days, but I still have that little five year old stuck inside my soul. It's, for lack of a better word, scary. Don't get me wrong, I'm so ecstatic that I'm finally taking this massive step in my life! But at the same time, I can feel myself changing. And if you haven't guessed by now, I don't like changing myself all that much.

I've found that I much more reserved now, it's such on odd concept to grasp, but it's true. I'm no longer the girl who said anything and everything that's on her mind in every given second of the day. I just watch now, mostly. Observing the situation before I have to decide what side I am on. To contradict this statement, I still tell it like it is and I'm still completely honest with people. I've come to the unprofessional conclusion that I'm picking my battles wisely, just as my Mom taught me. I've taking others' feelings into account, rather than being insensitive. Mind you, that was a completely unprofessional statement.

You know what an unnerving part of growing up is? Finding out that your needs are changing. Imagine you're in a (romantic) relationship, and one month you're so intensely in love, so much that you can hardly imagine your life without that other person. And them it seems like all of a sudden, all those feelings disappear. The love is still present, but now it's warped and changed. The feelings you once had, the lovey dovey kind, have now morphed into pure and genuine caring. Kind of you would feel for a best friend or a family member. So what the hell do you do now? You are left with someone who you know is in love with you, but the thing is, you're not anymore. It can be so completely frustrating because you love this person so much that you wouldn't do anything to harm them, but the reality is that hurting them is inevitable. And it kills you inside every time they say "I love you" because they mean it in a way that you don't feel anymore. Because even when you say it back, it's not the same and you know it. Now all of this is on your shoulders, and you don't know how in the hell to stop you feelings from changing and making it go to the way to once was. Incredibly frustrating right? You have no idea until you're actually in this situation.

Despite all of the stress and frustration that comes with growing up, I'm kind of excited that it's happening. I dunno you have noticed by now, but I'm far beyond my years. I've always felt that in a way I was more mature compared to other teenagers, so it feels like I've been waiting for this opportunity for a lifetime. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure that I want to do this anymore. I know that I have to though, there's no going around it.

My solution to my confession, is to do nothing. Because honestly, there is nothing you can do about growing up. You just have to let it happen, and whatever you endure during this will make you the person that you're meant to be. And I dunno if I want to mess with the Fates like that. If it's meant to be then it shall.

TTFN!