Severely Depressed

I've been thinking lately, how can one person get into such a deep depression that they can't pull themselves out? How did I get out of that horrid place, and how did I get there in the first place? Yes, you read correctly faithful readers, at one point (not too long ago) I was in that state of mind. You wouldn't have guessed from my "happy-go-lucky" mood and demeanor, but I've been in a dark place. Those were bad times, bad times.

My confession today, I was severely depressed.

Just to assure my rabid readers (Rita Skeeter's taking over my writing! AH!), I am NO longer under the "dictatorship" that is depression. No, I am extremely content and happy with myself. Although I do have those moments where I'm obviously not, but I try to take them in stride. I can only deal with so much, any one person can only deal with so much. And sometimes, you just break because you can't hold on to such negative things anymore. I broke at one point, and it was bad.

Those were dark times, dark times. I truly believed that I was alone in the world, and no one would take on the task to come and rescue me. I was a firm believer that (for lack of a better phrase) my life sucked and it wouldn't be getting any better in the years to come. I honestly thought that no one wanted to be around me, no one wanted to help me through my problems, no one wanted me. Not so much in the sense of romance, but in the sense of camaraderie, friendship. I thought no one loved me, but I was wrong.

Through the Summer of 2008 I became increasingly isolated. And to be honest, it scared me to death. I didn't realize the extend that I was going to not be in contact with people, it was unhealthy. As my depression got worse, so did my temper and attitude. I remeber constantly snapping randomly at my family and friends. I remember always taking things the wrong way, and I basically made myself think that everyone was out to get me. But they weren't.

Around about the last few weeks of August, I cracked. I was so devestatingly close to a nervous break down it was quite scary. I cried all the time, and at the most random moments too (it was weird, not gonna lie). I'd just get really quite and listen to nothing, or I'd get very angry and start randomly shaking from my anger. I remeber the day I finally lost it.

Naturally it was sunny and gorgeous outside, I was sitting in my newly painted Sunshine Yellow room. It was bright, happy and cheerful. The exact opposite of what I was feeling at that moment in time. I just sat there, sunshine blazing through my closed window. My air-conditioner running on high, and it was freezing up there. My gaze was transfixed on the wall in front of me, my pictures of happier times were smiling back. It was almost as if they were taunting me, saying silently that I might never see happiness again. A carefree times with no worries but if your ice cream was going to melt before you ate it. I stared, and stared, and stared until my eyes were burning with unshed tears. One lone tear made it's way down my pale face, and then another. Until I just couldn't take it anymore, the weight of my depression was crushing me and I finally snapped under the pressure.  I cried for hours, lonely and alone in my cheerful room. My mind was blank, I couldn't even think. I tried, goddess knows I tried to think of something, anything. But nothing ever came.

Until an hour later. I snapped up into a sitting position, I had an epiphany. I was not going to stay like this, I was going to this monster that crept it's way into my way. I was going to stop this, no farther will I sink into oblivion. If no one is coming to rescue me, then I'm just gonna have to rescue myself. I knew I could do it, I did do it. With extra help from lovely people of course, but my mentally changed at that point. I was no longer going to be susceptible to this monster. Nope, never again will I go back to that dark place. Ever.

It took a few months, and I'm still healing and working everything out. I have to dig deep to find what really made me get to the point where I thought I wasn't going to return. To be honest, I really don't like digging deep. It only brings up horrible memories of things I'd much rather forget. But I won't stop, I'm gonna keep going. Although I'm not fully recovered, I'm just about there. I made it, I fought what I thought was the impossible and I came back alive doing it.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Tons of people say it, most mean it. But I'm a hardcore believer, everything does happen for a reason. Maybe I got into that severe depression, and came out victorious, so I could be a stronger person. Stronger than I started out with, stronger than I ever imagined.

My solution to my confession, stop thinking negative thoughts. It won't get you anywhere, and to say that might be easier said than done. But it's all a mental thing ya know, you think you can do it, you will do it.

I'm off, sorry I didn't post this earlier! I've been busy doing tons of amazing things with my life, I think everything is really falling into place :)

TTFN!